Tales of two funny ritualist episode 6
Me and Donflex quickly walked over to the shop she was about to enter. We stood at the entrance and waited for her to come out. It wasn’t long when she came out with a packet of cigar in her hand.
Donflex: ohh, so oloshi dey smoke?
Me: and on Sunday them go wear white and black go church. Them go dey form like say dem no dey shit.
Girl: una two don come again abi.
Flex: shut up, you dey mad.
Me: thunder fire your papa.
Killer: na my babe this guys dey shout for? Arrow!
Killer: go bring plank come.
Arrow: yes sir.
Girl: abeg make una run o.
Flex: why, you no want make we see you dey smoke abi?
Me: for that reason you are very very stupid.
Girl: my boyfriend killer dey come oo. Abeg run.
Flex: hahaha. Killer no be name of dogs. I know, I know say your boyfriend na dog he be. Me as I dey so,
unknown to him, Killer was standing at his back. Luckily for me, immediately the girl mentioned that her boyfriend is coming, I turned back and lo and behold, she was saying the truth.
Two guys were approaching us with heavy heavy planks. Mumu donflex didn’t see them as he was still busy lashing insults on the poor girl.
I never knew how I did it but when I saw the guys approaching us, In a twinkle of an eye, I was already fifteen kilometres away from the scene.
Flex: me as I dey so, I no dey fear. I go dey here till you smoke finish. I must make sure I snap you, carry am go give pastor. Sheybe na you dey claim say you be report card.
Girl: *shakes her head in pity*
Flex: who you dey do that one for?
Girl: just turn back, today my boyfriend go kill you.
Flex: hahaha. If na true you dey talk make I shi.t egg, I swear to God no lie you lie so. Say your boyfriend killer abi na savior fit beat me? If na true make I lay three eggs right now.
A hand touched him at his shoulder. He couldn’t turn. The strength and impact of the hand alone was as if six men were holding him.
Killer: oya, get ready to dey sh.it the egg.
He slowly turned and saw two rough looking, heavy muscles guy. Just like David Otanga, or Riback or even Baptista that do fight wrestling standing before him.
Me: **shouting from fifteen kilometres away** FLEX, YOU CAN DEFEAT THEM, I AM SOLIDLY BEHIND YOU!!!
Killer: so I send my babe go buy cigar for me you dey block her abi?
Flex: I dey craze? I dey mad? I just dey check the expiring date of the cigar.
Killer: so na who you be? In fact where that your other friend wey dey follow you dey shout for her.
Me: ** from fifteen kilometres away ** THE TWO OF UNA DEY MAD. UNA DEY CRAZE. UNA NO KNOW SAY THE BOY WERE UNA HOLD SO NA FIGHTER HIM BE? FLEX GO BEAT ALL OF UNA HANDS DOWN. UNA GET LUCK SAY I DEY FAR AWAY FROM THEIR IF NOT I GO CHOP UNA FATHERS!!!!
I shouted from a safe distance.
Killer: shoo, na me your friend dey pour charge on?
Flex: I swear to God Jehovah El-shadi, the alpha and omega. I no know that boy. In fact look am, you go no say na psychiatric hospital him escape from.
Girl: for where? Na best friends dem be. Na dem dey share my ynash for church?
Killer: ohh, na them be the guys wey dey share your ynash for church abi?
Girl: I swear to God na them.
Killer: arrow, you go fit help me go catch the other guy.
Arrow: walahi I no fit. The guy too dey far from here. If I rush am now he go escape.
Killer: no problem. Make we just deal with this one like never before.
15 Minutes later.
I was watching clash of the titans. The two guys were seriously dashing blows upon blows on flex who was lying on the ground helplessly.
Me: *still in my spot* NA MY FRIEND UNA DEY BEAT SO. IF UNA NO STOP ENH. IF I COME THERE ENH UNA GO DIE ONE BY ONE I SWEAR.
I turned back and saw this mallams coming with their suya knives and daggers.
Me: ahh, Flex don die be that o. Ayaa, what a waste of an innocent soul. A handsome young boy. Chaii, them don kill am finish na.
When the mallam got close to me, they held me tight.
Me: ahh, Mallam, may na yi (wetin I do)
head of mallam (HOM): sharrap.
HOM: sharrap. Ko na you and your priend dey sit down po here dey beg am por cudi ko.
Translation (say na you and your friend dey sit down for her dey beg for money abi)
Me: walahi talahi ba ni ba ne (I swear no be me)
HOM: sharrap. Kay ne (na you) I dey always see am por you, you go tie am for caya (cloth) for your ido (eyes) dey beg am for our cudi ko.
All the mallams: shi ne!!!!!!
They shouted “it’s you”. now I am doom, is it not better for me to receive the beating that flex is receiving than for boko haram, sorry I mean boko harams because dem plenty to cut me into tiny pieces.
Me: ina suwa (I dey come)
Me: mallams, I dey come make I go receive that VIP treatment for there. When I come out alive, we go discuss you hear?
He shouted and I stopped immediately.
HOD: ku zo mu du ke shi (make una all come make we beat am)
The way we got back home alive, I don’t just know. All I knew was that, as they were beating Flex, they were slicing me.
It was a really good and nice samiratan that came and stopped them. Helped me and flex. Took us to the hospital, payed our bills and took us back home safely.
Flex; so na today we for take die?
He asked as we both lay weakly on the bed.
Me: you don see am na.
Flex: but wait o. Idris, you no be better friend at all.
Me: you dey craze? How!!
Flex: so you mean say dem dey beat me you no fit come come help me?
Me: for wetin you talk so, thunder go fire you?
Me: you been no see say the mallam dey site me with cutlass. I be hulk were I go receive everything come fight for you.
Flex: but how he take happen?
Me: them don recognized us o.
Flex: chaii, that’s why I no want make we pass there the first time oo.
Me: I think?
Flex: yes na. No more business again for us. D–n it.
We just laid down there. Soon, we heard a loud noise from the neighbours.
Me n Donflex: not again!!!!
what happened next?