Tales of two funny ritualist episode 6
Me and Donflex quic-kly walked over to the shop she was about to enter. We stood at the entrance and waited for her to come out. It wasn’t long when she c@m£ out with a packet of cigar in her hand.
Donflex: ohh, so oloshi dey smoke?
Me: and on Sunday them go wear white and black go church. Them go dey form like say dem no dey $h!t.
Girl: una two don come again abi.
Flex: shut up, you dey mad.
Me: thun-der fire your papa.
Killer: na my babe this guys dey shout for? Arrow!
Arrow: sir!
Killer: go bring plank come.
Arrow: yes sir.
Girl: abeg make una run o.
Flex: why, you no want make we see you dey smoke abi?
Me: for that reason you are very very stupid.
Girl: my b©yfri£ndkiller dey come oo. Abeg run.
Flex: hahaha. Killer no be name of dogs. I know, I know say your b©yfri£ndna dog he be. Me as I dey so,
unknown to him, Killer was standing at his back. Luckily for me, immediately the girl mentioned that her b©yfri£ndis coming, I turned back and lo and behold, she was saying the truth.
Two guys were approaching us with heavy heavy planks. Mumu donflex didn’t see them as he was still busy lashing insults on the poor girl.
I never knew how I did it but when I saw the guys approaching us, In a twi-nkle of an eye, I was alre-ady fifteen kilometres away from the scene.
Flex: me as I dey so, I no dey fear. I go dey here till you smoke finish. I must make sure I snap you, carry am go give pastor. Sheybe na you dey claim say you be report card.
Girl: *shakes her head in pity*
Flex: who you dey do that one for?
Girl: just turn back, today my b©yfri£ndgo kill you.
Flex: hahaha. If na true you dey talk make I shi.t egg, I swear to God no lie you lie so. Say your b©yfri£ndkiller abi na savior fit beat me? If na true make I l@ythree eggs right now.
A hand t©uçhed him at his shoulder. He couldn’t turn. The strength and impact of the hand alone was as if six men were holding him.
Killer: oya, get re-ady to dey sh.it the egg.
He slowly turned and saw two rou-gh looking, heavy muscles guy. Just like David Otanga, or Riback or even Baptista that do fight wrestling standing before him.
Me: **shouting from fifteen kilometres away** FLEX, YOU CAN DEFEAT THEM, I AM SOLIDLY BEHIND YOU!!!
Killer: so I s£nd my babe go buy cigar for me you dey block her abi?
Flex: I dey craze? I dey mad? I just dey check the expiring d@t£ of the cigar.
Killer: so na who you be? In fact where that your other friend wey dey follow you dey shout for her.
Me: ** from fifteen kilometres away ** THE TWO OF UNA DEY MAD. UNA DEY CRAZE. UNA NO KNOW SAY THE BOY WERE UNA HOLD SO NA FIGHTER HIM BE? FLEX GO BEAT ALL OF UNA HANDS DOWN. UNA GET LUCK SAY I DEY FAR AWAY FROM THEIR IF NOT I GO CHOP UNA FATHERS!!!!
I shouted from a safe distance.
Killer: shoo, na me your friend dey pour charge on?
Flex: I swear to God Jehovah El-shadi, the alpha and omega. I no know that boy. In fact look am, you go no say na psychiatric hospital him escape from.
Girl: for where? Na best friends dem be. Na dem dey share my ynash for church?
Flex: mogbe!!
Flex: mogbe!!
Killer: ohh, na them be the guys wey dey share your ynash for church abi?
Girl: I swear to God na them.
Killer: arrow, you go fit help me go catch the other guy.
Arrow: walahi I no fit. The guy too dey far from here. If I rush am now he go escape.
Killer: no problem. Make we just deal with this one like never before.
15 Minutes later.
I was watching clash of the titans. The two guys were seriously dashing b!ows upon b!ows on flex who was lying on the ground helplessly.
Me: *still in my sp©t* NA MY FRIEND UNA DEY BEAT SO. IF UNA NO St©p ENH. IF I COME THERE ENH UNA GO DIE ONE BY ONE I SWEAR.
I turned back and saw this mallams coming with their suya knives and daggers.
Me: ahh, Flex don die be that o. Ayaa, what a waste of an innocent soul. A handsome young boy. Chaii, them don kill am finish na.
When the mallam got close to me, they held me ti-ght.
Me: ahh, Mallam, may na yi (we-tin I do)
head of mallam (HOM): sharra-p.
HOM: sharra-p. Ko na you and your priend dey sit down po here dey beg am por cudi ko.
Translation (say na you and your friend dey sit down for her dey beg for money abi)
Me: walahi talahi ba ni ba ne (I swear no be me)
HOM: sharra-p. Kay ne (na you) I dey always see am por you, you go tie am for caya (cloth) for your ido (eyes) dey beg am for our cudi ko.
Me: *tears now coming out, If this guys start their own eh* walahi talahi no be me I swear.
All the mallams: shi ne!!!!!!
They shouted “it’s you”. now I am doom, is it not better for me to receive the beating that flex is receiving than for boko haram, sorry I mean boko harams because dem plenty to cut me into tiny pieces.
Me: ina suwa (I dey come)
Me: mallams, I dey come make I go receive that VIP treatment for there. When I come out alive, we go discuss you hear?
HOM: kaiiii!!!
He shouted and I st©pped immediately.
HOD: Mamud!
Mamud: aaa!!
HOD: ku zo mu du ke shi (make una all come make we beat am)
*****************************
OUR Ap@rtMENT
The way we got back home alive, I don’t just know. All I knew was that, as they were beating Flex, they were slicing me.
It was a really good and nice samiratan that c@m£ and st©pped them. Helped me and flex. Took us to the hospital, payed our bills and took us back home safely.
Flex; so na today we for take die?
He asked as we both l@yweakly on the be-d.
Me: you don see am na.
Flex: but wait o. Idris, you no be better friend at all.
Me: you dey craze? How!!
Flex: so you mean say dem dey beat me you no fit come come help me?
Me: for we-tin you talk so, thun-der go fire you?
Flex: how?
Me: you been no see say the mallam dey site me with cutlas-s. I be hulk were I go receive everything come fight for you.
Flex: but how he take happen?
Me: them don recognized us o.
Flex: chaii, that’s why I no want make we pas-s there the first time oo.
Me: I think?
Flex: yes na. No more business again for us. D–n it.
We just la-id down there. Soon, we heard a loud noise from the neighbours.
Me n Donflex: not again!!!!
.
.
what happened next?