Tales of two funny ritualist episode 5
Me: donflex wake up.
I said trying to wake Flex.
Me: flex wake up na. We no go go work again abi na me tell you to over f–k?
Flex: abeg I don tire. That girl fit kill person. Abeg make we just use today take rest abeg you with almighty God.
Me: but I don already brush our suit na.
Flex: I know, make we just use today rest abeg.
Me: okay o. No wahala.
I said as I kept the suit. At least we don work enough. Its time to rest. I went outside only to see what is happening.
Me: chaii, na wow for this two men o.
I said immediately I got outside. Mallam Musa and Baba Ayo don start draft this early momo.
I was still thinking when Halima greeted me from behind.
Halima: Oga Idris good morning.
Me: good morning Halima. How was your night.
Halima: very fine o. I come thank you and flex for yesterday. Abeg make una manage this small food.
She said giving me a small food flask.
Me: ah ah. What are neighbours for? We just dey help na.
Halima: I know, just take am.
Me: okay, thank you very much.
Halima: you are welcome.
She said as she bounced her big ass away. I just pray make another match dey today. Well today na flex turn. If match go dey today, then tomorrow na my turn.
I entered inside with the food flask.
Me: flex wake up o, food don come.
Flex: where food go before? I send food message?
Me: I mean food don come.
Flex: leave me make I sleep abeg. I no send food any message.
No problem. No be say una go say I want eat I know call my friend. I opened the flask and the nice scent of one delicious beans bombarded his nose.
He jumped up from the bed.
Flex: e b like say food don come o.
Me: no, still dey sleep abeg. Food never come.
Flex: who give you this beans?
Me: haa, na Halima o.
Flex: talk true?
Me: I swear to God na she give us as regard yesterday.
Flex: I know.
Me: you know wetin?
Flex: that girl dey enjoy the way we dey press am. You check it out na. Anytime we dey press her, she go dey shift her ass make the thing dey rub our d–k.
Me: na true oo. I for say na mumu she be when she no dey gree pursue us?
Flex: well, make we just dey watch things for this our face me I slap you house. Abeg go find garri make we use dissolve this beans.
Me: look at how you dey send me like say i be your boy.
Mama Iyabo: Yes!! Who be that?
She shouted as she came outside.
Me: good morning Ma.
Mama Iyabo: good morning o Idris.
Me: how Iyabo and papa Iyabo na?
Mama Iyabo: Papa Iyabo don go work while Iyabo don go school.
Me: abeg oo, I just come ask wether you get this garri wey no dey sour. The last garri wey we buy na sour one and we no know. The garri just full house and we no dey use am.
Mama Iyabo: ok just wait.
She said and entered inside her house. She later came back with two big cups of garri inside a lylon bag and gave to me.
Me: ahh, thank you very much o.
Mama Iyabo: don’t mention, we be neighbours na.
Mama Peace: yes I dey come.
She shouted and came outside.
Me: good morning mama Peace.
Mama Peace: good morning Idris.
Me: how Papa peace and how peace na.
Mama Peace: dem dey o.
Me: I just come ask whether I fit get white sugar from you. The brown sugar wey we get for house water don too soak am.
Mama Peace: eyaa, I don come.
She said and went inside bringing me some sugar inside a small water proof.
Me: thank you very much.
I said and ran off.
Time to wack.
I came back and peeped inside the house.
Flex: ohhh, where this boy dey naw.
He said in frustration. He was tired of waiting for me. I just stood behind watching his next move.
Flex: make I just scoop one spoon of the beans and make I wait for am.
He said as he took his spoon and tried to take one spoon.
Me: thunder go fire you if that beans near your mouth.
Flex: *shocked* erm, erm, er.
Me: you dey mad. I go hustle for garri and you dey here dey plan on eating the beans alone.
Flex: *smiled* abeg no vex abeg. Na hungry wey catch me that’s why.
Me: ok I don hear you but next time make you no do this rubbish again, try wait for me o.
Flex: I don hear.
We made the garri and started eating it with the beans. I was just looking at flex. If I take one spoon, he go take three.
If I take two, he don take six. I no just complain. Na when the food won finish na im I collect the plate, but beans and garri and dashed outside.
Flex: where you dey carry breakfast go?
Me: thunder fire you. I dey carry breakfast go barbing saloon.
Flex: no do abeg.
Me: make I no do wetin?
Flex: carry food come make we eat.
Me: stay their. You don eat your share finish.
Flex: mtcheew, I go dey look you?
He came outside and we were about to fight when we saw Halima coming our way. As smart guys, we don’t need to fall our hands infront of the babe so we quickly acted up.
Flex: haa, so how far na.
Me: *using this opportunity to scoop the beans with great fury* I dey, I dey..
I answered with mouthful.
Flex: am, na beans you dey chop like this?
Me: no, na scotch egg and pepperish akpu.
Halima came close, she wanted to pass me when I drew her back. If she passed me, Donflex will beat me and collect the food.
Me: haa Halima, this your food sweet o.
He hissed and entered inside our room. Yes oo, I don win again.
I started to eat the beans slowly while me and Halima were busy talking. Soon enough, I finished eating everything.
Me: thank you very much oo Halima. You don feed us this early momo.
Halima: *smiled* na God we thank oo.
Me: and this food sweet well well o. Kai, you sabi cook I swear.
Halima: *blushed* stop it joor.
Me: lemme go and wash the flask before returning it.
Halima: no oo, Just bring it abeg.
Me: no na, let me just wash it. At least, let it be am showing you thanks.
Halima: and I said forget about it.
Me: ok o. Thank you very much and God bless you.
Halima: *taking the flask and moving away* Amen.
She said as she bounced that big ynash away.
Mallam Musa and Baba Ayo who was busy playing their drafts just smiled and started gossiping.
Later that day, we decided to take a walk around town since we didn’t go to work today. We were still walking when I sighted someone.
Me: see that girl.
I said pointing to the usher that quarreled with us.
Flex: which girl?
Me: the one wey quarrel with us for church naw. Wey go call pastor for us.
Flex: oh, that one wey dey enter shop so?
Flex: very very good. Her own don finish today.
Her boyfriend Killer was behind us.
What happened next?
Find out in the next exciting and thrilling episode of TALES OF TWO FUNNY RITUALIST.