Tales of two funny ritualist episode 7

Tales of two funny ritualist
Episode 7
Flex: Idris you dey hear so?
*From outside*
Ubong: how many times for god sake I go tell you say put three cu-ps of perewi-nko for my rice.
Halima: anytime where you one tell me no be sl@p you dey use? How you take expect me to learn?
Ubong: by thun-der and by f0rç£ Idiot. I swear to God almighty, you dey mad.
Halima: and you too dey craze. You know see me say I be arewa girl, why you go marry me abi for katsina we dey pick perewi-nko?
Ubong: na who you just say him dey mad.
Halima: na you useless man.
*glas-s breaks*
Me: donflex, abeg go separate.
Flex: mtcheew!
Me: hahaha.
Flex; that guy na really really useless man.
Me: na true talk you talk. Person get wife but him no fit treat am well.
Flex: abegee.
we bec@m£ stranded. Very very stranded. They was no money in our house and to eat self is second world war.
Soon, all the rats and c0ckroaches started relocating to our neighbour’s house. We began to leave in a rat free house.
Early one morning, I woke up with anger on my face. The hungry in my stomach was unbearable. I couldn’t move.
I tried to on my radio to listen to news.
Radio: in katsina and yobe, seventeen people has been found with the deadly virus, Ebola……………………
The radio turned off. To buy two little batteries for our little radio is a problem, a big one.
Flex: good morning.
Me: good morning o, you don wake?
Flex: no I still dey inside de-ep slumber.
Flex: chaii today hungry no be small o.
Me: I just dey here they review my life because as we dey so, na die.
Flex: Even me self. If he reach twelve I never eat, baba I don go be that o.
Me: since day before yesterday person just dey drink water. Oh my God…
Flex: before I go lemme tell you this. It was nice knowing you.
Me: yes, me too.
*knock on the door*
Me: *weakly* come inside.
Halima c@m£ inside and the aroma of one delicious jollof rice bombarded our nostrils.
Our savior is here again with food for us. God go really really bless this girl o. Chaii, for how many days now we never eat.
My mind diverted to “how will I eat all this food alone?” I looked at Flex and he was giving me the “I go kill you eat this food first before you” look.
I smiled and gave him the “even your papa and brothers including your mama no fit st©p me from eating this food. Today na today” look.
He replied with “your whole villagers no go prevent me from eating this food. we-ther they like it or not, I must surely eat this food alone” look.
I smiled and gave him the “we shall see who wins” look.
Halima: this one wey una dey look una self like this so, hmm. Una good morning o.
Me and flex: good morning the sweetest and most adorable cute Halima.
Halima: *blu-shed* abeg no flatter me. I just come to ask una if this perewi-nko dey enough for this rice.
She opened it and the aroma gave us life emotionally. Judging from the aroma the food is soooooo delicious.
Me n flex: *with watering mouths* yes, yes, yes it is enough.
Halima: *closing the cooler* ok, I no want problem that’s why I come ask, thanks and God bless.
She left with our food, I mean her food while me and donflex fell down and began to cry.
I stood up with anger in my eyes.
Me: flex.
Flex. Yes.
Me: stand up.
Flex willingly obeyed.
Me: pu-ll all your clothes, just wear only your p@n-ts!
flex: haa, you don finally mad be that oo.
Me: shut up and obey me. You dey mad!!!
I shouted with fury. For once he bec@m£ scared. He hurriedly pu-ll-ed of his cloths. I smiled, wear your clothes follow me.
Flex: **ahh! This guy don mad o. I better follow am or else, him fit kill me for here o**
I borrowed money and we took a bike to suleja market where we st©pped and I payed the bike man.
Flex: you dey craze?
Me: how?
Flex: money where you use pay this bike man never reach us to buy kuli kuli?
Me: no worry, after this my ultimate plan you go eat enough and enough.
Flex: hmm.
Me: follow me.
Those living in Niger state know how suleja market is really crowded with lots of people including traders.
We were able to locate a secret place.
Me: pu-ll your clothes again.
Flex: you dey mad? What of if people see us. You no know say na fourteen years in prison be that.
Me: cool down, nob©dy go see us. Just obey me and pu-ll your clothes.
Flex: I just hope you know we-tin you dey do.
He said as he hurriedly pu-ll-ed off his cloth. I brou-ght out the powder in my pocket and sprayed it all over his b©dy.
I ran with full f0rç£ with my last strength, like a mad man, people were looking at me when I suddenly shouted.
Me: *pointing at one corner* EBOLA!!! EBOLAAAAA!! EBOLA PATIENT!
Mallam yusuf: Jesus!!!!!!
Woman: na Ebola patient oo.
Man: everyb©dy make una run o.
Police 1: Jesus, I am too young, I am too young ooo.
The whole market was un-der pandemonium. I quic-kly took a big lylon bag, Ghana must go bags and started my own work.
Me and flex was smiling. The whole Suleja traders ran out from their market and the whole place was empty.
We made sure we ate a lot and a lot and a lot before coming back to our house. But before we c@m£ back, I made sure that flex has re-moved all the powder on his b©dy and he was putting on new clothes.
This is to make sure people will not recognized him as the fake ebola patient and we don’t want anyone to arrest us and take us to the hospital where the real ebola patients are kept.
Flex: chaii baba. I no know say you wise oo.
Me: na curse you want curse me?
Flex: no be so. The thing be say this your plan dey pay.
Me: i think! See how many many people just run.
Flex: Idris, all these foodstuffs were we pack go even last us for one full month o.
Me: na so na. We no go dey go everyday if not people go notice. Na once a month everytime. Make I see those clothes wey you pack.
Flex. See them for their.
He said pointing to a chair.
Me: chaii, na fine fine cloths oo.
Flex: what of you, how many pairs of shoe you carry.
Me I loot like four or three.
Flex: very very good. Business don start o.
what happened next?