Tales of two funny ritualist
Flex: Idris you dey hear so?
Ubong: how many times for god sake I go tell you say put three cups of perewinko for my rice.
Halima: anytime where you one tell me no be slap you dey use? How you take expect me to learn?
Ubong: by thunder and by force Idiot. I swear to God almighty, you dey mad.
Halima: and you too dey craze. You know see me say I be arewa girl, why you go marry me abi for katsina we dey pick perewinko?
Ubong: na who you just say him dey mad.
Halima: na you useless man.
Me: donflex, abeg go separate.
Flex; that guy na really really useless man.
Me: na true talk you talk. Person get wife but him no fit treat am well.
ONE MONTH LATER
we became stranded. Very very stranded. They was no money in our house and to eat self is second world war.
Soon, all the rats and cockroaches started relocating to our neighbour’s house. We began to leave in a rat free house.
Early one morning, I woke up with anger on my face. The hungry in my stomach was unbearable. I couldn’t move.
I tried to on my radio to listen to news.
Radio: in katsina and yobe, seventeen people has been found with the deadly virus, Ebola……………………
The radio turned off. To buy two little batteries for our little radio is a problem, a big one.
Flex: good morning.
Me: good morning o, you don wake?
Flex: no I still dey inside deep slumber.
Flex: chaii today hungry no be small o.
Me: I just dey here they review my life because as we dey so, na die.
Flex: Even me self. If he reach twelve I never eat, baba I don go be that o.
Me: since day before yesterday person just dey drink water. Oh my God…
Flex: before I go lemme tell you this. It was nice knowing you.
Me: yes, me too.
*knock on the door*
Me: *weakly* come inside.
Halima came inside and the aroma of one delicious jollof rice bombarded our nostrils.
Our savior is here again with food for us. God go really really bless this girl o. Chaii, for how many days now we never eat.
My mind diverted to “how will I eat all this food alone?” I looked at Flex and he was giving me the “I go kill you eat this food first before you” look.
I smiled and gave him the “even your papa and brothers including your mama no fit stop me from eating this food. Today na today” look.
He replied with “your whole villagers no go prevent me from eating this food. Wether they like it or not, I must surely eat this food alone” look.
I smiled and gave him the “we shall see who wins” look.
Halima: this one wey una dey look una self like this so, hmm. Una good morning o.
Me and flex: good morning the sweetest and most adorable cute Halima.
Halima: *blushed* abeg no flatter me. I just come to ask una if this perewinko dey enough for this rice.
She opened it and the aroma gave us life emotionally. Judging from the aroma the food is soooooo delicious.
Me n flex: *with watering mouths* yes, yes, yes it is enough.
Halima: *closing the cooler* ok, I no want problem that’s why I come ask, thanks and God bless.
She left with our food, I mean her food while me and donflex fell down and began to cry.
I stood up with anger in my eyes.
Me: stand up.
Flex willingly obeyed.
Me: pull all your clothes, just wear only your pants!
flex: haa, you don finally mad be that oo.
Me: shut up and obey me. You dey mad!!!
I shouted with fury. For once he became scared. He hurriedly pulled of his cloths. I smiled, wear your clothes follow me.
Flex: **ahh! This guy don mad o. I better follow am or else, him fit kill me for here o**
I borrowed money and we took a bike to suleja market where we stopped and I payed the bike man.
Flex: you dey craze?
Flex: money where you use pay this bike man never reach us to buy kuli kuli?
Me: no worry, after this my ultimate plan you go eat enough and enough.
Me: follow me.
Those living in Niger state know how suleja market is really crowded with lots of people including traders.
We were able to locate a secret place.
Me: pull your clothes again.
Flex: you dey mad? What of if people see us. You no know say na fourteen years in prison be that.
Me: cool down, nobody go see us. Just obey me and pull your clothes.
Flex: I just hope you know wetin you dey do.
He said as he hurriedly pulled off his cloth. I brought out the powder in my pocket and sprayed it all over his body.
I ran with full force with my last strength, like a mad man, people were looking at me when I suddenly shouted.
Me: *pointing at one corner* EBOLA!!! EBOLAAAAA!! EBOLA PATIENT!
Mallam yusuf: Jesus!!!!!!
Woman: na Ebola patient oo.
Man: everybody make una run o.
Police 1: Jesus, I am too young, I am too young ooo.
The whole market was under pandemonium. I quickly took a big lylon bag, Ghana must go bags and started my own work.
Me and flex was smiling. The whole Suleja traders ran out from their market and the whole place was empty.
We made sure we ate a lot and a lot and a lot before coming back to our house. But before we came back, I made sure that flex has removed all the powder on his body and he was putting on new clothes.
This is to make sure people will not recognized him as the fake ebola patient and we don’t want anyone to arrest us and take us to the hospital where the real ebola patients are kept.
Flex: chaii baba. I no know say you wise oo.
Me: na curse you want curse me?
Flex: no be so. The thing be say this your plan dey pay.
Me: i think! See how many many people just run.
Flex: Idris, all these foodstuffs were we pack go even last us for one full month o.
Me: na so na. We no go dey go everyday if not people go notice. Na once a month everytime. Make I see those clothes wey you pack.
Flex. See them for their.
He said pointing to a chair.
Me: chaii, na fine fine cloths oo.
Flex: what of you, how many pairs of shoe you carry.
Me I loot like four or three.
Flex: very very good. Business don start o.
what happened next?