BY BLESSING SILVER
“Here you go, I wasn’t sure of the shoe colour you’ll want so I bought all five of them, I was told they were the best!” Dad said, handing me a shopping bag with a lopsided smile. I stared from the bag to him In annoyance. Just yesterday, I passed out because of him and now he’s giving me this?
To rub what happened yesterday off or to pretend to be a great dad, it wasn’t something that was new to me. Dad always made up for all his shit in the dumbest way ever, at least to me that’s how it is.
What I feel for him, I didn’t know the best word to describe it, it’s something in-between dislike and hatred. It was deeper than dislike and shallower than hatred; maybe disgust or just annoying.
“Come-on Jon, take it” he urged but I left my expression blank and tense. He could feel it, I could tell but he remained his cool. He must’ve probably vowed not to lose his temper before cajoling me into accepting that bag.
“Jonas,” mom caressed me shoulder and when I tilt me head to look at her, she wore a very bright smile at me. “Accept your father’s gift, son” she cajoled, caressing my shoulder. I stared at her stomach, bulgy and heavy. It should be dew in a few weeks.
I grudgingly glanced at dad and collected the bag.
“Thank you!” I mumbled rather gruffly.
“You’re welcome, son” he ruffled my hair, letting out a grin.
“I’ll go try them on” I said, stare away from him and walked away.. Getting to my room, I bang the door shut, locked it and threw the bag carelessly to a corner of the room, pouring the content out. I crouch beside the bed and fetched the small ashtray from it. It was burned out completely. The old man had to distract me for nothing and it had led to this.
I missed and took out a pack from my lower drawer, I pulled out a stick and light it. I drew in a long drag, let it sink then puff it out through my nostrils. I sighed, a wave of goodness dancing below my stomach.
I kept it on, taking the ashes off continually and going for more drags.
I was on the third stick, getting out of the world when my door suddenly flung open. Unexpectedly, I froze when he walked in, the half smoked cigarette falling from my palm.
“You idiot!” He gritted, blaring fire at me from his eyes.
I stared at him motionlessly, I could’ve sworn I had locked the door. Did he use the spare key without me noticing? He always manages to sneak up on me this way, that’s how much he distrust me. I stood up. “You promised you’d stopped!” He charged at me and landed a massive slap across my cheek, the force made me lose my balance but I was quick to grab my drawer stand. I felt my inner cheek bleeding. “I should’ve know you were just a shameless animal that never changes, you jerk!” He spat.
Anger replaced my shock immediately. “Just leave me alone! It’s my life and I’ll live it as I want!” I said.
“Not under my roof, you swine!” He grabbed my by my collar and yanked my tiny body across the room. “As long as you remain under my roof, you’ll live how I want you to, you get that!” He said icily.
I stood up and gave him a glare. “Then just send me out of this godforsaken hellhole!” I rasped.
I pushed him aside and ran out of the room, ignoring his heavy calls and footsteps. Mom was on the stairs when I ran out and she called me too but I answered none as I hurried out of the door and ran out to the streets. I ran and ran, not stopping to catch my breath or tend to my healing naked feet. Tears poured from my eyes but I didn’t stop running, I was almost completely out of breath by the time I stopped and sat heavily on a pavement. My breathing heavy and my body shaking from the long run. I felt the tears and wiped them quickly; “stupid tears!” I mumbled, violently wiping them. I sat for minutes, catching my breath.
I suddenly felt a presence and when I turned, I found a man, dressed in an long black coat and pants, he wore a hat too.
“Having problems at school?” He asked, looking at me. He looks made me feel intimidated but I wasn’t shaken visibly, I gave him a cold stare. “Or is it from home?” He repeated. “Is it an abuse?”
“Mind your own business!” I gritted, standing up and ready to go but I stopped when I realized I didn’t know where I was or how to go back home.
“Would you want a lift?” He said and I gave him a look.
“I can find my own way!” I said stubbornly and he stood up, taking off his hat, he walked to me and there was something about his eyes that was scary.
“I only want to be your friend, if you don’t mind. You’re hurting, what you need is a friend. I bet you don’t have any” he stated.
“Anyways, my name is Gavin. Yours?” He inquired but I kept mute, studying him. “Come-on, I’m not a bad person, at least to some” he said.
“Jonas” I said plainly.
“Who is it that makes you sad, Jonas?” He asked.
“M-My father” I found myself answering much to my surprise.
He laughed shortly. “Been there” he said. “Well, Jonas. I think I like you, I want us to be buddies, let’s get to know each other better-
“Not happening” I cut him off.
“Well, I believe sooner or later, we’ll meet. I’ll make sure we do but before that, can I give you something. It like a confidant to me, I was able to fight through many things to where I am today because of it. It helps me get off irritating, hateful and unfriendly people in my life in a very easy way. It’s the best thing I’ve ever had, do you want it?” He asked, dipping his hand into his large pocket.
“What?” I asked. Who knows I could get dad off with it. He smirked.
He took more steps towards me until his shadow completely covered me.
He took something almost invisible to me out of the pocket and placed it on my palm. It felt like metal and was heavy..
“In just one shot, you can get rid of anyone that you don’t want. You should know how it’s used. Try it on whoever makes you sad, it’s more useful when you’re high” he said, gave me a light squeeze on my shoulder and a tight smile and began walking away. I stared at my palm and found a pistol resting on it. I faced ahead and he wasn’t there anymore, he was gone.
I exhaled deeply, holding the thin railing and staring deep into the windy night. I felt a presence join me.
“Hey,” I stared at Allison. She held out a cup of warm tea to me. “Want some?”
“Sure. Thanks” I took it from her and sipped a little. It was warm and perfect for the weather. She stood beside me, placing a palm on the rail of the small entrance balcony.
“It’s such a nice view from here at night!” She amazed and I nodded.
“Right. Um Jonas,” she called. “I went for a job interview yesterday in a coffee shop, they needed another assistant so I applied” she said.
“Why would you want to work?” I asked.. “is it that boring around here?”
“What? No! Of course not. I love here but someday I’ll need to move out and stop bothering you. You’ve done more than enough for me-
“Who said you were bothering me?” I asked.
“I’m not?” She asked. “I mean, you must’ve been used to living alone and me suddenly coming into the picture might be a little inconvenient for-
“It’s not. I’m used to it. It’ll just be more inconvenient if you leave. So, don’t work, Allison. Just stay here with me for as long as you can” I said. “I could pay you to”
“Wait, for real? I can live here?” She asked.
“Yes” I answered.
“Thank you so much!” She flew onto my body the next moment, hugging me tightly, her head rested on my chest, I kept my tea aside and hugged her back, she felt little in my arms and I felt that weird sensation again. “To be frank, I didn’t think I’d get the job. I did pretty awful at the interview. You have no idea how happy I am, Jonas!” She squealed.
Is it lust or something stronger, something different. I couldn’t be sure, it was new and exciting. I felt the urge to extend it, make it into something else.
“Allison?” I called and she suddenly disengaged.
“Uh..um. I-I’m so sorry, I was just carried away” she stuttered, staring up at me and my gaze lingered on her innocent eyes.
Or could it be because of her innocence?
My palm moved to her cheek, cupping it and I took a step closer to her, our body almost touching, her gaze was clueless and innocent. I stared down at her face and brought my lips to meet hers, fastening it in a kiss..
By the time I got home, my feet were throbbing from severe soreness. I neared the door and let out a soft sigh.. Maybe returning here now is a bad idea. If not for mom, I probably would spend the night on the street.
“Jonas?” I turned to see Mom standing behind me, a look of relief washed her face as she saw me. Before I could make a move, she swooped to me and gave me a long cuddly hug. “Oh son, I’ve been searching all over for you!” She drew me closely to her chest, her breathing hard.
She must’ve walked alot.
“I’m sorry, mom” I said, wiping the tip of my nose on her shirt.
“It’s okay. Just don’t do that again, okay? I was damn worried, I thought I’d pass out!” She revealed and I hugged her even closely.
“You should’ve just stayed, I was fine. I just needed a brief break from him” I said and mom disengaged, stared into my face and cupped it.
“Your dad was worried about you too” she said.
“Yeah, you wish” I scoffed.
“It’s true. He wouldn’t say it but I saw it in his eyes, he was mad at himself for hitting you” she added. “And you promised, Jonas. You promised you’d stop. Why did you do it again?” She questioned.
“I did. I mean I wanted to but I couldn’t. School was messed up, my best friend stopped talking to me, I just had so much in my head, I needed a distraction” I said and mom twitch her lips, caressing my face with her thumbs.
“You should’ve just talked to me” she said.
“How would a pregnant woman who needs a cheer up, render some?” I joked and she frowned playfully.
“Hey, I’m stronger than you think, okay?” She smiled. “You should’ve just talked to your dad then, I’m pretty sure he’d want to listen” she said.
“I’d rather swim in a swamp than talk to the old guy in there” I said and mom sighed.
“Maybe when you give birth, dad would get off me and focus on the baby. I’m tired of him ruling my life for me, I’m twelve and I think I’m old enough to decide for myself” I said.
“Aww! Look who wants to take responsibility,” she grinned. “Well, no matter what Jonas, you should know that old guy is you dad and he totally wants the best for you even though you don’t think so” she said, ruffling my hair.
“Stop it” I grumbled and she laughed and kissed my forehead.
“Come-on, let’s go in” she took my palm and we both walked.
Dad was on the stairs, staring at us from it, after we walked in. His gaze was particularly on me, severe anger visible in it.
“What are you doing here?” He asked, obviously contending his anger, probably for the best time to lash it out.
“I thought you were tired of this hellhole,” he teasingly gestured to the house. “Thought you grew some massive balls and found your own way to make a living, so why are you here?!” He repeated.
I kept mute, staring directly and back at his eyes
“You won’t talk?” He asked but I said nothing. “Then get out!” He fired.
“Davis stop!” Mom said.
“If you don’t get out of my house this minute, you won’t like what would come to you next!” He raged.
“Davis please! It’s late, where do you expect him to go? Can’t you just-
“Are you daring me, right now!” He fired at me, ignoring mom like she hadn’t just talked and the next minute, he was marching down the stairs. I could’ve ran, I wished I had but my ego wouldn’t let me.. I stood, as if wanting to see what he could do. Mom rushed to the stairs to stop him and it all happened so fast, mom was on the stairs, climbing to meet him and with one fierce yank; he pushed her off the stairs and she fell and began bumping down. By the time she landed on the floor, she laid limp. Dad paused, staring at her in shock, I was glued to my spot, too shocked to move.
“M-mom!” I called, my heartbeat pounding.
“Ari? Ariana?!!” Dad called, moving to her and taking her up and shouting her name.
I rushed to him and quickly grabbed her from him. “Mom?!” I called, shaking her. Dad walked away to make a call and I checked her pulse but she wasn’t breathing and her body was suddenly cold on mine, I froze that instant.. my breathing hitched and for a moment, the world paused.
“She’s..not.. breathing” I said slowly and scarily.
“What?!” Dad left the phone and walked to me to check.
“She’s not fucking breathing!” I yelled. He took her from me and checked then gave me a shocked and scared look.
“I- is she dead?” I asked him, my voice low and emotional, my heartbeat intensifying. He gave me a look filled with fear and didn’t reply me.
“Ari. Please wake up, honey, please! I’m sorry!” He shook mom, his voice shaky and shallow.
“Did you kill her, you bastard?!” I asked and he suddenly began crying. Anger mixed with emotions clouded my feelings.
I reached into my pocket, grabbed the gun and pointed it at him.. he looked at me, surprised at the action. Seeing him, brought pure anger to my body.
“Jonas?” He called.
“Shut the fuck up!” I yelled, the gun shaking in my palm. “You have no idea how much I want to kill you right now!”
“Jonas, let’s talk about this. I’m sure we- we can save her-
“As if. You killed her you bastard! You killed my mother!-
“Just shut your god-damned gob up!!” I said. “this is your end too”
I fixed the gun properly to his direction, warmed the trigger with my finger and shut my eyes. As I warmed the trigger with my shaky finger, I pressed it down slowly and released, I expected the sound but got none and when I opened my eyes, dad was lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood and a deep bullet wound on his forehead.
Another wave of feeling enveloped me, it was more like excitement and something else that I couldn’t explain.
My palm trembled and the gun dropped from my palm, making a metallic Crank.
I felt a presence and when I turned, a strangely familiar figure was behind me and when he took off his hat, his face came into view.
It was Gavin and he had on his lips a huge grin on his lips.
My chest rose and fell as he walked to me, placing a palm on my shoulder he gave me an assuring smile that somehow felt odd. He gave my shoulder a hard squeeze.
“That’s how you flush them off the list, Jonas”
Jonas face neared mine and kind of expectedly, he crashed his lips on mine; kissing me. At first, I was still but the next moment I found myself reciprocating in full force. He held my face firmly, tilting it to match with his face and I placed my hand on his waist since I couldn’t reach up to his shoulder in that position.
We kissed for a long time and I could only wish that it didn’t end at the moment as our lips rhymed to the movement. I could sense that none of us was willing to break off but suddenly, he pulled away from it. It didn’t look like a break, it was more like he forcefully cut it off.
“I’m sorry. I-I shouldn’t have done that. It was a mistake” he apologized and I didn’t understand why that angered me. I faced down, biting my lower lip and blaming myself for losing my guard so easily.
“Allison?” He called. “I said I’m-
“I get it!” I cut him off rather harshly. “I’m sorry,” I apologized, gave my lip a hard bite and walked back inside, heading to my room.
I felt angry and sad at the same time and I knew it was at him but I wasn’t sure why.
Allison’s dairy Episode 21 & 22