When a man loves
As soon as we get home, I rush off to the bathroom and when I get inside, I immediately throw up. I then washed my mouth and locked the door. Staring at myself in the mirror and trembling, I let the tears fall. I have been blessed with a baby girl but nothing feels right. My heart aches a lot at the thought of Vusi trying to kill himself. It is my entire fault and I am blaming myself for it. To why I did it, I have no idea. I just found myself falling in love with Jay and wanting him to be with me and our unborn child. When I wanted to tell Vusi the truth, well I couldn’t even let the words out of my mouth because he had already concluded that I was leaving him for Jay.
I just wanted to say it out in a better way and thanking him for loving me. I feel so terrible right now and I honestly didn’t mean to hurt Vusi. Once again I knew that it was going to be very much impossible for him to be the father of the child. Jay and my mother, they weren’t going to let that happen. I had
You know I had been with Vusi for years and I never thought that one day I was going to divorce and be with another man. It wasn’t easy for me too but I just had to do it. I wiped off the tears and opened the door. I got startled when I saw Jay standing at the door. Was he eavesdropping on me? I have absolutely no idea.
‘Are you okay?’ he asks with a hint of concern in his voice.
Lately he has been a great support and caring as well. I just haven’t moved on from Vusi, it’s just going to take a while for me to fully commit myself to him. I might have rushed with the divorce because of pressure from my mum but I just think that I wasn’t ready for any for it.
‘Yeah, I am fine,’ I said walking away but he quickly grabbed my hand and pushed me against the wall.
I am currently staying with him at his house. Well I moved in with him when I moved out from my house with Vusi.
‘I know you are not okay,’ he said running his hands though my hair.
‘I am fine,’ I almost yelled at him.
‘Is this about Vusi?’
Ever since we moved together we had never talked about Vusi. No one wanted to mention his name and I didn’t want
‘What about him?’
‘Don’t play dumb with me. I know you have been crying. I know you feel guilty of what you did but you are not the first person to get a divorce. I am just wondering now,’ he said and I raised my brow, ‘are you having second thoughts about us? I mean I will get it if you don’t want to be with me. We can co-parent, I don’t know just anything.’
‘No, I am not having any second thoughts.’
‘I am sorry and yes I feel guilty for what I did to Vusi. I didn’t expect him to commit suicide, I was just wondering what was going on inside his head.’
But of cause he was deeply in love with you, that is why he tried to commit suicide. I am the one who leaked the information. I have been keeping tabs on Vusi; I just wanted to know what he was up to. He was calm with the whole divorce thing and I was afraid that he will come after me. No, afraid might not be a good word because I wasn’t the type of person to be afraid of anyone. I guess I was worried that he will try to cause trouble for me. But because of the good guy he was, he never took any action and accepted his fate that Marisa and him were never meant to be. He just signed the papers and let me be with his wife.
So anyway she gave birth to a baby girl but I am not impressed. Why? Because I didn’t want a baby girl, I wanted a boy. Someone that can take over from me when I am gone. A child that I can teach on how to handle my business and that was supposed to be a boy not a girl.
For now I won’t show it to her that I am not happy. I mean she has just made me the weakest man. All first born are supposed to be boys. What am I supposed to do with a girl? She will probably get pregnant at 17 and what? She will have no future. Obviously she is going to be like her mother, a real bitch. Shifting from one man to another. It was supposed to be a boy and not a girl.
‘It’s okay. I am going out now. I asked the maids to take good care of you and the baby. I am going to see you later,’ I kissed her on the cheek.
‘Being a caring and loving human being.’
I smiled at her.
‘You are welcome,’ I said and walked away.
I had promised to marry her within two months but she told me that she wasn’t ready. Well I was going to make her fall deeply in love with me now that Vusi is out of the picture. I walked to my car and got inside. I was meeting up with one of my friends Ndu. He was already waiting for me at the restaurant. I had to drive my car in high speed. He was impatient. I was going to discuss the marriage thing with him.
‘You are late.’
‘My wife..I mean Marisa was discharged today.’
‘By the way congrats,’ he said as I was sitting down.
‘You don’t look happy.’
‘It’s a girl.’
‘Shit!’ he cursed.
‘I know I know.’
‘But you know a child is a blessing from God. I have 2 girls.’
‘But the first born it’s a boy.’
‘Jay, does it matter. That was just a crazy belief from your family. I am sure if your dad was still alive, he wouldn’t mind…’
‘He would have wanted it to be a boy,’ I cut him short.
‘You just have a crazy family.’
‘And besides I wanted a boy. This is my first child and for it to be a girl, that doesn’t sit well with me.’
‘So what are you going to do?’
‘I will ask her to marry me after some few months. When the baby is two years, I will get her pregnant and I hope it will be a boy. I can’t be having girls all through out.’
‘In simple terms you hate your newly born baby?’
‘With a passion so taut. She wasn’t supposed to come out. If I knew that it was a girl, I would have had her killed before she gave birth but that damn Marisa refused to know the gender of the baby and I didn’t take it serious.’
‘I am so damn serious. Marisa has just made me a laughing stock. What will the other guys in the club think about me?’
‘Don’t mind them.’
‘I am their boss and ought to lead by example.’
‘You shouldn’t worry about such things. Isn’t it you are going to get her pregnant? Just wait for a boy.’
‘If she gives me a girl, I might leave her.’
‘Let’s have a drink.’
We discussed the marriage thing as I was telling him that I was thinking to propose. Marisa has to agree to marry me because I am tired of waiting for her. It’s been months and she still hasn’t moved on from Jay? Come on that’s pathetic. She acts as if she is the goddess and has never had her heart broken. We all have been through that road before. For my political campaign, I need her right now and I need to get married to her as soon as possible. I will talk to her mother about this. I know how much that old hag loves me, I wish I did too but I wanted her daughter for my political career. She was the one my dad had suggested before he died but I wasn’t attracted to her. Yes, she was a good friend of mine but I didn’t see her as my wife to be type.
I left the restaurant and had to drive at her mother’s house. Like I said it before, I had to at least try to convince her to speak to her daughter about my marriage proposal. I know Marisa listened to her mother. You know that woman has done so many terrible things. You will soon find out. I parked my car out front and the guard opened the car door for me.
‘Thanks,’ I said handing him my keys and the other one led me inside.
I had upgraded her life, gave her money to expand her business. I had to be the good son-in law. I walked inside.
‘Son-in law,’ she said with a smiled while walking to me.
She hugged me and that’s how close we were. We sat down on the same sofa and asked each other how we were doing.
‘You don’t look well.’
‘Well mum, I went to pick up Marisa today and she find out about Vusi. She was crying in the bathroom. I don’t think she is over him.’
‘Of cause she is. We both know that. We both know that if it wasn’t for that witchdoctor’s help, Marisa would have never left Vusi. She was so deeply in love with him and so we had to do something about their love. You saw how she completely changed, from being rude to you, to loving you so passionately and wanting to be with you instead of Vusi. I knew their love wasn’t going to be easily broken. She was too deeply in love with him to leave.’
‘I was so worried that maybe she is thinking about going back to him.’
‘As long as I am alive, that will never happen.’
So you see. I also knew that Marisa wasn’t going to easily walk away from that marriage and so her mother suggested that we visit a witch doctor. Now it explains why Marisa suddenly changed from I will never let you go Vusi, till death do us apart Vusi to I have fallen in love with Jay, he is the father of my child. I know I know it was a terrible thing to do but my love for her it wasn’t that strong and I was getting tired of fighting. She slept with me that day because I had added a little something in her drink. But if she was in her right sense of mind, she would have never done that.
From today know this Marisa loved Vusi too deeply. She meant every word she said to him. She wasn’t going to leave him. Deep down she is a strong woman who is willing to fight and don’t believe in the word giving up, that’s why I want to be with her. She will help me grow and maybe become a better man. But because of her mother who made her turn her back on Vusi, she won’t go back to him.
‘I want to get married to her very soon.’
‘Consider it done!’
I smiled at her.
I haven’t been feeling well for the past few weeks. I am always feeling sleepy and I have lost appetite of some food that I used to like. I am supposed to be going to school today, I have a lecture in the afternoon but I don’t feel like getting up.
‘Chichi, aren’t you going to school?’ my cousin sister asks.
I stay with my Auntie; she was my mother’s older sister. She has been taking care of me since mum died when I was 10. Cancer took her and as for my dad, he married another woman and that woman wanted nothing to do with me. Things are not that well for my Auntie. I mean she is not financially stable, the reason why I work at that company as a cleaner. It’s because I need to save money for my fees. My cousin sister is lucky; her father’s family is paying for her fees. My Auntie lost her husband in a car crush. Okay just enough about my family.
‘I am not feeling well,’ I said in a very low tone.
‘What’s wrong?’ she asks sitting on the bed and places her hand on my forehead, ‘you are burning up, I should tell mum,’ he says wanting to get up but I immediately grabbed her hand.
I didn’t want her to worry Auntie. She had enough on her plate. I just didn’t want to stress her out, maybe it was nothing.
‘It’s probably nothing. Maybe I am coming up with flue.’
‘It’s something when your body is that hot. Even last night, you didn’t eat your food.’
It’s because I have been throwing up whenever I ate something. I wanted to tell her that but I just didn’t want to worry anyone.
‘I will be fine,’ I said covering myself up with a blanket.
‘Okay, if you say so. I will just ask one of your classmates to give me some notes.’
We are doing different courses at the varsity.
‘Thank you Claire.’
‘You are welcome and get well soon cousy,’ she said kissing me on my cheek.
I am forever grateful for the love this girl has showed me since I moved in with them. She has been a great friend, a huge support and one day if I complete my studies, I will repay her with kindness. I watch her as she walks out of my room and I close my eyes trying to sleep. I hope Auntie won’t be coming in my room to check up on me. Minutes later I heard the car driving off and knew that it was them. Auntie is a nurse at a certain hospital. I try to get up from the bed but I feel so weak and so I sit back. I am hungry right now but I feel so much scared to throw up. I finally gather the strength and get up from the bed to the bathroom where I take a bath. After that I walk to the kitchen and try to prepare some cereal for me. I have to go to work late tonight but I am thinking of not going.
With how I am feeling right now, Madam Pamela will have another reason to shout at me. I don’t know what I ever did to that woman. Even on my first day, she shouted at me for accidentally breaking her cup, no that wasn’t enough; she actually slapped me hard on my cheek. I am scared of her. She is just being too tough on me and I don’t need that right now. I wanted to take the milk in the fridge and just after from opening it, I felt like throwing up and immediately rush to the bathroom. I am there throwing up and I feel weak.
‘What is wrong with me?’ I ask myself with tears pouring.
I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I am worried about myself. What if the cancer got me as well? What if it’s hereditary and I am going to die just like my mother. I turned 21 and I just think that I am still too young to die. I wash my mouth and walked out. I am practically dragging myself back to the kitchen to clean up the mess that I have made. I should have told Auntie that I am not feeling well. After all she is a nurse and might know what’s wrong with me. The tears keep on falling. What if I have got cancer? Seriously this is scaring me a lot. I finish cleaning my mess and go back to my room. I will just have to sleep; I mean what else can I do besides sleeping. Time isn’t moving and I am on the bed with my phone on my hands. I have been goggling stuff about cancer. I know it sounds crazy right but I have no other choice but to prepare for this thing.
I place my phone back on the bed and get down on my knees. If this is cancer then I want it to go away. I pray to God to make this thing disappear, I am scared and I don’t want to die. After I am done and wipe off my tears, I get up and sit on the bed. There is a message from my cousin sister and she is asking me how I am feeling. She must be really worried right now.
ME: It’s getting worse.
HER: I should have told mum that you are not feeling well. Do you want me to come back and be with you?
ME: I don’t think that’s necessary. I will be fine.
HER: Chichi, you are stubborn. Fine let me finish off my lectures and I will come back home to be with you.
ME: Okay, thank you.
HER: What can I bring for you?
‘You and fruits,’ she sends a laughing emoji.
Claire is heaven sent. She is just adorable you know. She is actually a year older than me. She is like the big sister. I stay in bed and Claire true to her words comes home at around pm. I manage to eat the fruits she has brought for me and I don’t through up. I am so happy right now that finally I can eat something.
‘Thank you,’ I say to her as we are sitting in my room.
She is busy doing my hair.
‘For being loving, caring and mostly the most beautiful big sister that I have ever met.’
‘Oh please I am not going to blush. You don’t need to thank me love, that’s what families are for.’
‘I am lucky to have you in my life. I wonder what would have happened to me if I had remained behind with my father.
‘I bet that woman would have killed you. Her face scares me a lot,’ she says and we both laugh.
We spent the afternoon talking and telling each other stories. It’s so fun hanging out with her; I ended up feeling so much better than before. At around 6pm, we start preparing for supper, Auntie hasn’t come back yet from work. We finish off and by the time Auntie comes back from work, we are already done with the cooking. We eat our supper and Auntie sleeps early that night. Claire has some assignment to do, so I let her go and rest while I wash the dishes. I am done with the dishes and go to my room. I sit on the bed and start reading. While I am at it, I feel like throwing up. I ignore the feeling but it comes back quickly that I throw up on the floor. I thought I was getting better but right now I don’t feel well.
I drag myself to the bathroom and I am just throwing up non-endlessly.
‘Cousy,’ Claire comes in the room.
‘I don’t feel well,’ I say almost in tears, ‘it has started again.’
‘My God, you are sweating.’
I feel weak, I can’t even stand on my two feet and everything just seemed to be blurring.
‘Cousy,’ I can hear Claire shouting from a distant, ‘Mum!’ that’s the last sound I hear.
I wake up and slowly open my eyes. I scan the room and I am in a hospital. Claire is sleeping on the chair, but where is Auntie. I get up and feel a little dizzy but manage to balance with the bed. I walk to Claire and shake her.
‘Cousy,’ she is startled and immediately engulfs me into a tight hug, ‘I was so worried about you,’ she says and I am still in her arms.
She let me go.
‘How are you feeling? Are you okay?’
‘I feel weak but I am okay I guess.’
‘They took some blood tests and we are still waiting for the results. Mum must be with the doctor. You had us all worried cousy.’
‘I am scared. What if its cancer? What if it’s hereditary?’
‘Please don’t say that, it’s probably nothing. Maybe it’s malaria and you have been working too hard. It might just be something.’
‘I guess so.’
Auntie walks in the room and her eyes are puffy.
‘Oh you are awake,’ she says and has a paper in her hand.
‘Are those my results?’
‘Yes,’ she says and her response is not at all pleasing, ‘you are pregnant!’
‘What?’ I say with a hint of confusion in my voice.
My cousin sister looks at me.
‘I am pregnant? How am I pregnant?’
Oh my word! I did miss my periods but I have been a virgin. How am I pregnant? Who did I sleep with?
‘How am I pregnant?’
My cousin sister looks at me and back at my Auntie.
‘We should tell her,’ she says to Auntie.
‘Tell me what?’
‘The possibility that you are carrying your boss’s child,’ says Auntie.
‘What are you two talking about?’ I ask again, I am honestly confused right now.
‘We need to go somewhere,’ Auntie says.
‘Can you stop asking questions and dress up already? You will hear the full story once we get there,’ she yells at me, ‘I am sorry I didn’t mean to yell. Trust me we need him right now. This isn’t good.’
We are all gathered at his house. We are having dinner as a family at Vusi’s house. He is now feeling better and I am just happy for him. But then I haven’t told him of what happened that night. They were both drunk and it’s because of the guard’s fault. He was selling drinks that were mixed with drugs. We had him arrested but the damage had already been done. Vusi did an unimaginable thing and it seems as if he doesn’t remember the incident and so does the girl. She was a virgin and when she got better; her Auntie told me that she doesn’t remember anything. This happened before Vusi had attempted to commit suicide. I think 2 months after he had divorced Marisa.
At the house, it’s me, my husband who just flew from UK, my parents, Vusi’s parents and Liam.
‘Sir, there are 3 ladies requesting to see you,’ said the maid to Vusi.
‘To see me?’
‘Let them in.’
I wondered who it was. Just when they waked inside the room, I dropped the water glass that I was carrying and everyone’s gaze shifted on me.
‘I am sorry. I am very careless.’
Vusi got up and he was looking at the girl.
‘Your face looks familiar,’ he said to her and I thought maybe he had remembered the events.
‘I work as a cleaner at your company,’ she replied.
‘Oh yes, you are that lady Pamela slapped. Your face isn’t hard to recognize. What can I do for you?’
I sighed a relief. He doesn’t remember anything and if he is going to remember one day, he will definitely feel bad about it.
‘My Auntie said we should come here.’
Her Auntie cleared her throat and looked at me.
‘We have to tell them what happened,’ she said to me.
‘What happened?’ asked Vusi.
‘Not now,’ I said to the lady.
The only person who knows about this incident is just me, Liam, the Auntie and the cousin sister. I had to call them to come and take the cleaning girl.
‘She is pregnant!’ she said.
‘What?!’ I exclaimed.