When a man loves
I waited for Marisa in our bedroom; I had promised myself that I wasn’t going to ask her anything. I was hurting right now and I didn’t want to burst out my anger on her, I don’t know if that even makes sense. It’s already pm and she left the house at around am. I don’t know what she was still up to at that time of the hour. I grabbed my phone wanting to call her but immediately stopped myself. Should I even make it look obvious that I was jealous and worried about her? After all she had chosen to be with Jay and that broke my heart.
Did this woman know how much I wanted to be with her? I didn’t know what else to do, I had showed her, I had told her and isn’t it true what they say.
Action speaks louder than words. Or maybe I could have given her a child right; just maybe she was going to trust my words for it. Minutes later, Marisa opened the door with some shopping bags.
‘Hey,’ she says.
‘Hey,’ I responded getting up.
‘I am sorry I am late and I should have told you that I was going to the hospital.’
‘It’s okay, I understand. Is that from your mother?’
‘Yes, it is. She is actually downstairs.’
‘Alright I will go and see her,’ I said and walked out of the room.
I headed to the dining room and my mother-in law was sitting on the sofa sipping on wine.
‘I see you have already made yourself comfortable,’ I say to her and she smiles.
I sit opposite her and she has her legs crossed.
‘When it comes to wine, no one beats you for it. This is the only thing I like about you. You know how to pick a very tasty one.’
Wasn’t she being a little sarcastic? She places the water glass on the table and pays attention to me.
‘We need to talk about Marisa,’ I say to her.
‘What about her?’
‘From now on I will take care of her. I know you are the one who asked Jay to come and pick her up. Am I wrong?’
‘You are always correct son-in law but what makes you think that I will listen to you? You failed to do what Jay has already done, thus getting her pregnant. You know I never liked you and we don’t have to pretend to have this conversation in a civilized manner. I wanted to talk about Marisa too. Don’t you think it’s time you let her go? You are aware of the situation. Jay is already part of her life and I want them to get married as soon as possible.’
‘Marisa won’t allow that.’
She laughs out loud.
‘Pathetic! Do you think she is still in love with you? Open your eyes Vusi, she is always with Jay.’
I open my eyes widely.
‘That must have shocked you right,’ she pours the wine in the empty glass, ‘she has been seeing Jay behind your back and I am not telling you this because I hate you but as a friend. I am just trying to make you see things, you and her are never meant to be and you have to accept that. Move on with your life and let her be with Jay. For goodness sake Vusi, can’t you see what is happening right in front of you? Yes, we all thought that Marisa is going to stick by you, she is going to let you raise that child with her but things have suddenly changed when Jay started accompanying her at the hospital. Those two are forever together and your wife will be lying. Today she was with him, they went to the hospital together for her check-up and he is the one that bought those baby clothes. Walk away while you still can. Walk away before you get hurt because no one will be here to sympathize with you,’ she said to me.
I wanted to reply her. I wanted to tell her that it was all a lie Marisa loved only me. I used to say that a lot with a hint of confidence in me. My self-confidence when saying that, it was on another level but right now I am not sure of what to say. It hurts me to know that she isn’t lying about anything. It’s true; I believe Marisa has already fallen for Jay. What was I expecting? For her to let me raise another man’s child?
‘Are you guys getting along?’ asked Marisa bringing me back to reality.
‘Of cause we are. Sweetheart I have to go; I am meeting up with the other ladies from a club.’
‘Okay, thank you mum.’
‘You are welcome babe. Goodbye Vusi and think about our little discussion,’ she whispered in my ear when she was walking out.
I was still sitting on the sofa when Marisa walked in on me just after from walking out her mother to her car.
‘Hey, are you okay?’ she asked.
‘Yeah, I am fine,’ I said getting up.
What if I just ask her? No, I wouldn’t want to get hurt, I debate with myself while walking to the bedroom. I walked inside and grabbed my phone which I had left on the bed.
‘Vusi, are you okay?’
I didn’t know that she was following me. Debating with myself was she asking me out of pity or what.
‘Well we need to talk.’
I was afraid she was going to say that but she has already said it right. She came to sit on the bed with me and held my hand.
‘I have to tell you something,’ she says and can she just get straight to the point.
Already I am feeling nervous because I don’t want to hear it from the horse’s mouth.
‘Is it about Jay?’
‘You want to be with him right?’
‘I am sorry.’
Hands on my head, I looked down. Never in million ways had I thought that 1 day Marisa will do this to me. I mean I loved her whole heartedly; I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and now this.
‘What are you sorry for? I thought you wanted to be with me and the baby. Is that why you have been acting all weird? That’s because you have been meeting up with him right? Tell me something, do you regret sleeping with him that night.’
‘No, Marisa. Stop with this entire Vusi thing and for once come clean. Be honest with me because I don’t know anymore. Were you ever in love with me?’
‘I was in love with you Vusi. I stayed with you knowing very well that you can’t give me any children.’
‘So you felt pity for me Marisa. You were just waiting for the right time.’
‘No, I am just thinking. Even if you hadn’t slept with him, you were still going to leave me Marisa and here I thought till death do us apart. You know what I am confused right now. If this was pretency from the start then you are one hell good of an actress. You deserve an Oscar Marisa, yeah you do. You made me fall deeply in love you knowing very well that you are just going to leave me. Is this only about the baby?’
‘You can’t say anything right because it’s not about the baby. You have already fallen in love with him. You have been seeing him behind my back. Oh Marisa why? Why me? Is it because you have always been my weakness? Is it because I have always been too easy on you? Why me? Why are you breaking my heart Marisa? I showed you everything; I gave you love and Marisa I did want to spend the rest of my life with you.’
‘It’s okay. You don’t need to explain yourself. You don’t need to tell me that the baby needs both of her parents. I understand. You and him need to raise this baby together and I wanted to do the same thing but if you have chosen him, I get it,’ I said getting up, ‘it’s such a pity that I have ended up alone. I wasn’t going to win this fight if you had changed your feelings. The fact that you have fallen for him, it’s simple means that I can’t force you to bring back those feelings you once had for me. I am sorry Marisa, I am sorry for not giving you a child. I am just sorry for not being a man enough for you. I am sorry for what I am about to do. I didn’t want to give up on this marriage. I had a lot of people telling me, advising me to walk away while I still can but I wanted to prove them wrong. I wanted to show them something that you will never give up on us but I should have listened to them,’ I said with a lump on my throat and she was in tears.
I don’t even know if her tears were real or maybe she was just faking it.
‘I am going to miss you,’ I laugh a little with tears in my eyes, ‘I am going to miss you a lot and you take good care of yourself. This feels so unreal but I guess I can’t change your mind right,’ I took her hand and she got up from the bed.
I engulfed her into a tight hug.
‘It’s okay, don’t cry. It’s not good for the baby.’
This hurts a lot, it really hurts a lot. I just want to cry, I want to be far away from her. I want to scream and I want this pain I am feeling to go away. I broke the hug.
‘I will leave you to pack. Goodbye Marisa,’ I said and walked out of our room.
I closed the door and heard her crying. I immediately rushed out of the house. Nothing could describe the way that I was feeling. It felt like a dream and I would soon wake up from it. It felt like a piercing pain, it didn’t feel right because I was hurting and I could feel it. Getting inside my car, I drove out of the yard. I needed to be far away from her and so I took a drive to my parents’ farm. Getting there I just got out of the car and rushed inside. I don’t know if my mother was expecting me but she stood at the door.
‘Mum!’ I rushed to her and fell in her arms, ‘it’s over.’
‘Vusi,’ she said patting my back.
Men don’t cry? You haven’t been in that kind of situation that makes you cry. You haven’t been badly hurt, you haven’t. I needed to let it all out and I did cry. I had tried to be strong but I just couldn’t handle the pain anymore. This is love and when a man loves…..
THREE MONTHS LATER
I drove my car in high speed afraid of what awaited me at the hospital. I was in a meeting, online and it was at around 1am when his mother called me. It was an unexpected phone call and she was crying over the phone. Apparently he had tried to commit suicide and I don’t know why he tried doing such a thing. Wiping off my tears I turned left taking the road to the hospital. I was scared, nervous, frightened and I feared for the worst. I should have been there for him; I shouldn’t have ignored the signs. I mean when he signed the divorce papers I thought maybe as a man he was going to be alright.
After all we are not the only ones who get hurt. This has made me realize that we are all the same. We all have feelings and we all love deeply. I won’t judge him right now because he had reached a breaking point. He loved that woman very deeply and she just had to treat him like trash. I should have done something to her but I am too clean to be playing dirt. I will let Karma deal with her. I soon parked my car out front and got out of it. I ran inside the hospital in my pajamas and wearing some slippers. Do you think I cared about my outfit? He was like a brother to me and I blamed myself for this. I should have taken him to a therapist just after signing those damn divorce papers but I didn’t know that he wouldn’t be strong enough to hold it in.
I run inside and see his mother sitting on the bench. His father is pacing up and down. Liam is just standing there; it seems as if everyone is just in a bad state. So he had been living at the farm with his parents. I am the one who encouraged him to be with his family during his divorce. How can he just give up on life? As soon as his mother sees me, she calls out my name in a cry and I walk to her. I engulf her into a tight hug and both of us are in tears now.
‘What happened?’ I asked her whilst sitting on the bench.
‘I opened the door and found him with a rope on his neck. I know he was hurting that much but I didn’t see him as the type of a person who would want to give up on life,’ said his father when I patting mum’s back.
‘I am in shock. It’s unlike him,’ says Liam.
‘He loved that woman with all his heart. She broke him. She broke him mentally and emotionally,’ said mum before she burst into tears.
As a mother I felt her pain, this wasn’t easy at all. It was a heartbreaking sight. His brother soon arrived and it seems he had been busy too because he was actually wearing his pajamas. I got up and let his brother comfort their mother. I went to stand beside Liam.
‘I should kill that bitch. It’s all her fault,’ I quietly said to him.
‘Don’t bother yourself. Right now we just need to be there for Vusi. I was thinking we take him to a therapist as soon as he wakes,’ Liam says.
‘Or I will leave the country with him,’ I say.
I was willing to do just anything to see Vusi heal. He was damaged beyond repair. He had been destroyed emotionally, mentally and psychologically. This is exactly what I was afraid of when he told me that his wife was pregnant with another man’s child. I was afraid that this will destroy him and if you see someone like Vusi giving up on life like this, then he was deeply hurt. Vusi wasn’t the type of person to commit suicide; I would have expected that from Liam. Liam was too sensitive and fragile but not Vusi. He was strong and it hurts me a lot you know. It just hurts me a lot that I failed to help him.
‘I blame myself for this,’ I say to Liam, ‘I should have been there for him 24/7. I thought he was hurting and at the same time trying to control his feelings. I never thought that he would want to commit suicide, I am so much hurt by this.’
‘We all are. I blame myself too. I should have seen the signs but he had a good way of hiding his feeling. I felt something was wrong with him but I didn’t imagine him committing suicide.’
No one would have thought that he was going to commit suicide and it’s still so hard for me to believe right now. I guess he had a good way of controlling his feelings.
‘Let’s just pray that he will be alright,’ said Liam.
We all sat down waiting for the doctor to give us some updates but minutes, hours turned into 2 days and Vusi still hasn’t woken up. I even stopped going to work because I had to be there for him. I needed to be there for his mother and we would take turns into bathing him.
‘Why don’t you go home and have a bath?’ I said to her when we were sitting in Vusi’s room.
‘I can’t leave.’
‘Mum, I am here,’ I said squeezing her hand, ‘I will be updating you. You really need to go and have a bath.’
‘Am I smelling that bad?’ she asked with a smile.
‘A little,’ I say to her and she laughs out loud.
She gets up from her chair and walks to the door.
‘Thank you,’ she says and I smile at her.
She didn’t really have to thank me. I was doing what any friend would have done. After all Vusi is like a brother to me. My husband had called; you know he liked Vusi a lot. He was actually asking if we need a good doctor for his condition but I told him that the doctor had said he was going to be alright. He wasn’t in a comma but just hadn’t gained conscious. I was busy on my phone replying some of the messages on my Facebook when I heard him calling out my name. Startled, well let me used shocked or surprised, I screamed.
‘You are awake!’
‘What am I doing here?’ he asks trying to get up, ‘is this a hospital?’
‘Vusi!’ I instead ignored his stupid questions and hugged him.
Why was he asking me that when I had been so worried about him? In his arms I cried, something that I don’t usually do. I don’t often cry you know. I went to call the doctor and told him that he was awake. As I wait outside while the doctor examined Vusi, I felt a tap on my shoulder and looking back it was her. I felt the anger suddenly building up in me. She was with him and he was carrying their newly born baby.
‘What the hell are you doing here?’ I asked with a hint of anger in my voice.
‘I heard Vusi was admitted in this hospital.’
I laughed but my laugh didn’t reach that far.
‘So are you feeling bad?’
‘Shhhh just leave. Your presence here disgusts me.’
‘Let’s go babe.’
‘Yes, listen to him. Leave!’ I shouted and everyone in the hospital now paid attention to me.
‘I am sorry,’ she said and left with him.
Damn that girl, I should have slapped her.
‘Pamela,’ that was Liam calling me.
‘You look like you have seen a ghost.’
‘Maybe but we have a problem.’
He removed his phone from his pocket and handed it to me.
‘What the f…’
‘Same thing I said when I read that.’
‘Who would have leaked the information?’
‘I have no idea but this is bad for him. Look at what they are saying. That he was a weak man. They are cursing him for trying to kill himself. If he sees this, I don’t know what’s going to happen to him,’ says Liam.
People should just mind their own business you know; already he is suffering emotionally and now this. The news had already spread that Vusi had tried to kill himself. This was going to crash him. I walked inside with Liam just after the doctor had left the room. He had a phone with him and I have no idea where he got it from.
‘It belongs to one of the nurses,’ he said answering my almost asking question.
‘I don’t know who leaked the information.’
‘It’s fine,’ he said.
There was silence in the room. I wanted to ask him why he had decided to give up on life, that’s unlike him doing such a thing. But then I was very much scared of his reaction towards my question.
‘But why man?’ Liam broke the silence and I sighed a relief, ‘Suicide Vusi?’
‘I don’t know what happened. The next thing I was sipping on beer and staring at our picture when reality finally hit me. She is never going to come back; she is with another man now. It hurt me so deeply that I just wanted to end it all. Trust me I would never do such a thing but at that moment, I just wanted to end it all.’
‘You could have tried to control your mind or just something to stop this from happening. What about your parents Vusi? Us your friends and your colleagues. We all wish you a second chance and happiness one day. You could have called me or even Pamela. You know we are always here for you. We will never leave you like she did and in life Vusi there is always a second chance.’
‘You got us so worried Vusi,’ I said to him.
‘I heard from the doctor that you and my mother never left my sight. I am so sorry sis, I just don’t know what had gotten into me. I will never do that again.’
‘We are here for you Vusi and I was thinking that you go and talk to someone. You need to open up and let this pain go away because it’s killing you. Just look at how much you have dropped your weight.’
‘She is right Vusi. You certainly need someone to talk to and I will be here for you.’
‘We love you Vusi and no woman will ever destroy you. She will regret leaving you one day. I wish I had killed that b…’
Liam pinched me from finishing off my sentence and Vusi smiled.
‘Thank you guys!’ he said and we shared a group hug.