Tales of two funny ritualist episode 4
I stayed close to the man observing him. He tried and tried but he couldn’t withdraw any money.
I got got close to the man and he was delighted to see me.
Me: any problem.
Fat man: Mr John, good seeing you. I can’t withdraw o.
Me: lemme see.
I collected the card and the little paper from him.
Me: your pin is 6590 not 65908. Look closely at it naw, they cancelled the 8.
Fat man: oh sorry.
Me: how much do you have in ur account.
Fat Man: five hundred thousand naira but I will withdraw only ten.
I smiled, four hundred and ninety nine thousand naira will soon be ours. I helped the man and he collected the money and left in no time.
Lamido: Donflex, Donflex.
Lamido shouted as he got close to the bush.
Lamido: one fat man go soon come pas-s here.
Flex: no prob, sheybe Idris don do him p@rt?
Lamido: yes na, the pin number dey here with me..
Flex: very good. I love that.
He said and the two guys hid in the bush. It wasn’t long when the fat man pas-s throu-gh the route.
Flex: heys! heys!! heys!!!
He shouted and jumped out of the bush.
Lamido: hiv! hiv!! hiv!!!
Flex: you dey mad, why you call am hiv?
Lamido: because you call am aids.
Fat man: na heys him call me not aids.
Flex: you dey mad, who gave you right to talk?
Fat man: sorry sir!
Flex: oya, give me your ATM card.
Fat man: *enh, this guy na mumu o. Him no even ask for phone or cash* na only ATM card you want?
Flex: *holding his hvge stick* yes.
Fat Man: take am *at least him no get my pin*
Fat man: i fit go?
Flex: abeg if you get #100 wey we go use enter bike go house give us.
Fat man: take, i fit go…
Flex: oya go, thank you very much.
Fat man: *i don outsmart them o* you are welcome.
Lamido: God bless you sir, na people like you *ODE* we nee-d for naija.
Me: una don collect the card?
Flex: yes oo. The man give us without wahala.
Me: that’s very good make we go try am to see. The pin wey the man give me the first time no correct, na five but no worry, I don change am.
Flex: ok, no prob. Take!
I collected the card and entered the queue.
Immediately it gets to my turn, I slotted the card into that machine and “GBAAM”
I c@m£ out of the cabin with hands full of money.
Flex: we are rich.
Me: oboy, oloshi go sure for us tonight o.
Flex: true talk.
Lamido: abeg make una give me my share for inside the five hundred thousand naira.
We gave the little boy his share. I truly like that boy lamido due to his smartness and intelligence.
We got to our face me I tear you h0t sl@p house. As usuall, mallam musa and Baba Ayo was sitted pla-ying draft.
Me: this two men, jobless guys. From morning to night na draft.
Flex: no mind them, that’s why…
Mr ubong and Halima were at it again. Fighting for perewi-nko i guess.
Me: omo, make we run go press.
I said as we ran to press ynash and bobby in disguise of separating fight. Yesterday was flex’s turn so today is mine.
Flex quic-kly ran to ubong holding him from behind while i ran and held Halima from behind. That hausa girl fine enh, she come package put on t©p.
I quic-kly held her from behind ma-king sure my d–k was smooching her as-s and my hands on her brea-st.
Me: *its so soft, its so soft. I can feel the n!ppl!s* abeg he don do. Make una no fight again.
Halima: he is a useless man, he wants to kill me because of one useless perewi-nko.
Me: *chaiii, na my d–k they smooch this succulent ynash. Chaiii, this br£@st na bomb* he is your husband oo. Don’t fight again i beg you.
Flex: its okay Mr ubong, make una no fight again i beg. Remember say people dey o.
Me: * abeg everyday fight is good for our health, me and flex. Make them even upgrade self. Using AK47, POMP ACTION, GRENADE, CRACK AND SHOOT etc* e don do o. Make una no fight.
35 Minutes later.
We were able to settle the fight as Mr ubong thank us for always being their, little did he know.
OUTSIDE HIS HOUSE
Me: chaiii, i don enjoy o
Flex: tomorrow na my turn o
Me: no probs.
Flex: oya, make we go nack Aunty Caro too.
Me: Chaiii, this life too sweet! I love this.
Let me do little introduction about Aunty Caro. The world’s greatest and best oloshi. She won the 2005, 2009, 2013, 2014 and last year award of the world’s best oloshi. She is currently running for this year’s award and from the look of things! Hmmm.
She graduated from unioloshi with PHD, HND, OND infact all the ND. Infact i even dash her bachelor degree self but make i no lie, na her punani wey sweet pas-s. The thing go just dey do your pe-nisoil oil. Chaiii!
“knock on the door”
she c@m£ out and wow, looking gorgeous.
Me: erm caro, your punani is nee-ded.
Aunty Caro: par time job or full job.
Na till dey break na.
Me: full job.
Aunty caro: for only you or with your friend?
Na here i go outsmart her.
Me: only me..
Aunty caro: your money na 5k
Me: no prob.
Aunty Caro: oya make we dey go.
She entered my front and was moving to my room. Chaiii, the song we dey sing for my head na
“OLOSHO DEY CARRY ME GO
OLOSHO DEY CARRY ME GO
CARRY ME TO LONDON
CARRY ME TO AMERICA
OLOSHO DEY CARRY ME GO”
Nowhere wey oloshi never carry this girl enter.
She entered inside our room
Time check 9:00pm
Donflex was sitted there but she didn’t mind him as she str!pped n-ked. l@yon the be-d and opened her legs wi-de for me.
Then she lubricated her punani and told me to come.
I rushed but Donflex deadly stare st©pped me. c0md0mfirst oo. If not na Ebola and lasar Fever wey go sl@p person.
I to-re a c0md0mand wore it before entering the oil oil punani. Like expected, the thing dey sweet.
Time check 12:00 midnight
I was still f—–g her non st©p why she was m0@n ing loudly. That girl no dey tire o. She fit f–k till dey break self.
Even though Flex was inside, she didn’t bother, na me pay and na me she book herself for.
Time Check 1:00 midnight
As expected nepa took light and i cli-maxed for God knows how many times.
Me: i dey come make i go piss.
Caro: oya sharp sharp,
you dey mad. Na who you won kill with punani?
Now this is how me and Donflex buy one and get two free. As i stood up, Donflex has alre-ady c0nd0mized his d–k.
I went outside and c@m£ back but didn’t enter her. Instead, Donflex entered inside her punani and since everywhere was very dark, she didn’t notice.
Now because of this our stunt, we don’t m0@n or make any sound when f—–g her so that she won’t notice anything.
I just layed down with my tired d–k, five hours no be beans. I didn’t move. I also made sure that the lights were off incase nepa tried to pu-ll any stunt.
Donflex started his own turn from one o clock till dey break as i drifted to sleep.
Caro: wake up, just thirty minutes wey you leave me you don sleep.
I checked the time, 7:59Am. Leaving her thirty minutes means that Donflex f—-d her till about 7: o clock. That’s why she is going to have my vote during the next oloshi elections.
Caro: my money!!
She said and i gave her the 5k
Caro: tireless general. Anytime you nee-d punani just holla your girl.
She said as she left. Caro the bad girl!
Me: ahhow *i yawned*. Its a new day. Let me brush our suit. Time for work is long over due.
what happened next?
Find out in the next exciting and thri-lling episode of TALES OF TWO FUNNY RITUALIST.
Tales of two funny ritualist episode 4