Tales of two funny Ritualist episode 11
Flex: brother I beg just pity am.
Me: brother pity me abeg, I swear I no go do am again, you know say na you be boss, after you na you.
Talent scout: I just dey pity you..
Me: thank you..
Talent scout: I for just break your neck now, nonsense, get out of my side jare.
Me: thank you very much. I appreciate it sir.
Just then, victoriouschild came out from her room holding a bucket, she was going to the bore hole to fetch water when she saw us and turned.
Victoriouschild: haa, this one wey una dey hear wetin dey happen?
She hadn’t finish her statement when the rest beautiful babes, jummybabe, soma and denncygirl all came out.
I dey craze to fall my hands for the beautiful babes front, I quickly reacted.
Me: no mind am abeg. Nothing much dey happen.
Talent scout: no waste your time for here vicky, go fetch your water abeg. Leave this boy he’s not man enough, since he dey beg.
Me: if you know say dem born you well repeat that statement again.
Victoriouschild: haa, una won start again.
Me: nooo, victorious..victorious…victorious abeg wetin be the suffix again?
Me: thank you, victoriouschild leave this idiot, person wey I want tear into two before you come.
Denncygirl: en enhhh, tell me something.
Me: ask flex, I be one tear the idiot slap since I just dey pity am.
Talent scout: Jesus you say wetin?
Me: you see, na Jesus you dey ask or na me.
Talent scout: like say you dey mad!!
Me: if you repeat that statement again thunder go fire you.
Talent scout: me!! In fact make we fight.
He said and tore of his cloth into two effortlessly.
Me: iyeee, tenants!!!!! Make una come hold person pikin before I kill am oo.
Me: donflex hold that guy, hold that guy before I deaf deaf am with slap.
Just then, froshberry and konami came out.
Froshberry: wetin be all these again?
Konami : I tire oo, make we go hold talent scout before he kill the new tenant.
They said and held him just in time before he will give me my first and last superman punch on this earth.
Me: why una dey hold am? Leave am make we fight make I doom doom am abeg. I dey vex, I dey vex I swear. Leave am make I doom doom the idiot, leave am oo leave am!
Konami: you say wetin?
Konami: you say wetin?
Me: just forget. Tomorrow is another day, as
for now, I go pity the Idiot. Flex make we
I said and me and flex walked out of the
Talent scout: oohhh, you for leave me make I
finish this guy now. Wetin be all this.
Konami: brother no vex abeg. Those guys
you see so dey look for trouble, just leave
them make them stay abeg.
Dency girl: but me for like see fight oo, abi
vikky and soma, how una see am?
Victoriouschild: true to God, I won see the
two guys fight. who knows, the new guy fit
Soma: for where? I no agree at all. I bet my
money on Talent scout, he go beat the new
Froshberry: see una life. Una no know wetin
to do again. Una mate dey kitchen dey cook
food for the family why una dey here they
pray for fight.
Dency girl: i hope no be insult be that one.
Froshberry: never mind.
He said and left the three young ladies.
Konami and Talent scout also left the place
while the ladies dispersed one after the
We walked a few miles until we reached a
place they do sell soft drinks and little
Me: flex, make we rest here small.
He said and we got to the shade and sat
down on a bench.
Me: baba, you no guy buy minerals for us?
Flex: as I dey so, even one kobo no dey my
Me: na wow o. I know sure if I get any
money again apart from this five hundred
Flex: chaii, boys hand don dry.
Madam: erm, wetin I go bring for una.
Me: just two bottles of cold Pepsi.
In no time, she brought the Pepsi to us and
opened it. Flex took one and I took the
Me: so how ee go be?
Flex: *sipping the Pepsi* i know o. But we
need to look for something wey go give us
Me: like what, you know this part of the
country, to get job for here na hot cake.
Flex: na true o. See plenty people wey go
school dey roam about for street, what
about we wey no go school.
Me: shhh, becareful how u talk that kind
thing, na public we dey, u want make them
see us as illiterate?
Flex: oh sorry.
Me: I still get one bad Idea.
Flex: which is.
Me: *took a long sip from my Pepsi and
continued* remember the ebola stunt wey
Flex: ohh, that trick wey fetch us money like
mad for Niger state.
Me: yes, we go do am again.
Flex: iyeee, wait o, these one na port
Harcourt o, not Niger state.
Flex: this people for here wise well well pass
those hausa people o. Moreover, them dey
kill criminals immediately them catch them.
Me: forget that thing jare. Don’t be
negatively minded. If you think so, he go
happen so but if you think other wise,
Flex: but I still dey fear o.
Me: no fear jare, that’s what we are going to
I said with a note of declaration. By now, we
have finished taking the soft drinks so we
stood up and I payed.
Me: madam see your money o.
Madam: ok, I dey come.
She said and came immediately. She
collected the money from me and kept it in
her purse as she also gave me my remaining
Madam: ok, una thank you.
Me: alright bye bye.
We said to her and left to our home quickly.