CAN’T HOLD MY TEARS
EPISODE 25
Alex entered his father’s house and slammed the door behind him in anger, shaking the house. His mother who was busy pacing the length of the sitting room froze in her strides as her son stormed into the sitting room.
“Alex” she called nervously.
“No” he barked. “Don’t ever call my name. You have destroyed my life. What sort of a mother are you?”
“I am sorry my son; I am so sorry” she cried.
“My son? Don’t ever call me that! I would be extremely glad to hear that you are not my mother. You are not worthy to be called a mother” he roared. “I always boasted of you but now, I am f0rç£d to realize that you are just a filthy harlot. My sister! I married my sister” he exclaimed in complete bewilderment. “She is carrying my child” he yelled again. “Oh God!!! A product of incest”
Mrs. Bello did not even bother to hinder her flowing tears. “I am sorry” she cried.
“Sorry?” he returned. “Is that all you can say? Would that change anything? You destroyed the lives of your children. You threw a child away! A human being! And now, I am expecting a child from my sister. I have always wanted a sibling or a sister but now, I am married to her. Imagine, I unknowingly placed a bet on my sister’s pride and innocence. What goes around comes around right? I have unknowingly stabbe-d myself in the back. I am as guilty as you are” he declared in anger.
“She is your half-sister” she said.
“Half?” he roared in laughter. “The word ‘sister’ is still there. How can you still speak? I hate you just as much as I hate myself. You are the worst thing that ever happened to me”
**********
I opened my eyes and everything my eyes saw was white. Yes! I have heard of heaven and this was no doubt heaven. I have never seen any place as white and an unfamiliar cool breeze blew me, ma-king me feel good. But there is a problem. Why does it feel like I have been breaking firewood for a very long time? I wondered vaguely. My open eyes opened wi-der and for the first time, I noticed a fan above my head. This couldn’t be heaven! I shouldn’t feel so weak in heaven; neither should I see a ceiling fan, I thought vaguely.
A rumbling sound c@m£ from my side and for the first time, I tried turning my head to see the cause of the noise but the pain I received from my n£¢k almost made me pas-s out. What is wrong? Everything seemed blank. A face appeared before me and I had to focus on the face. The guy before me was exceedingly handsome and I remembered vaguely that only two men have seemed that way to me. Kelvin? What on earth am I doing with him? A de-ep frown crossed my face, matching his equally worried and slightly frowning face, and my br@in started racing.
“Easy now” Kelvin whispered in his baritone voice. “I am glad you are finally awake” a soft smile t©uçhed his face and he seemed to relax a bit. He brushed what I as-sumed to be a strand of my hair out of my face and my frown de-epened as the situation bec@m£ confusing.
I opened my mouth to talk and my mouth felt so heavy.
“You don’t have to talk honey” Kelvin said hastily.
Honey? I wondered in alarm. Despite my distress and so-re throat, I f0rç£d my mouth open. “Where am I?” I whispered in pain.
He gave me a weak smile. “In a hospital. You have been here for more than a day now. You nee-d your rest. Let me get the doctor”
He scrambled out of the room and all I could do was stare blankly after him. My br@in ran wild with thoughts, trying to come up with a suitable explanation. What on earth am I doing in a hospital? I wondered. And of all the people in the world, why should Kelvin be here with me? I raised my hand weakly and ru-bbe-d it against my throbbing n£¢k and all of a sudden, it all c@m£ flooding my s-en-ses. I almost jumped out of the be-d but all I succeeded in doing was j£rking into a sitting position. My eyes bec@m£ dizzy and I swayed even in my sitting position. The door j£rked open and Kelvin walked in with a doctor. He hastened to my side. “You should be lying down” he scolded and gently pushed me to a lying position before the doctor got to my side.
The doctor loomed over me and smiled. “How are you feeling miss?” he asked.
“Angry” I replied in anger. “What am I still doing on earth? Who is the unfortunate person who saved my equally unfortunate self from dying?” I spat out despite the difficulty I encountered from talking.
Kelvin looked at me. He did not look hurt, instead he looked very worried. “If you put it that way, I guess I am the fortunate person because it would be highly unfortunate if I allowed such a spectacular person sl!pfrom the face of the earth”
“Well, that is so unfortunate” I returned. “You should have minded your own business, because if you have, I would be spared the trauma of staying alive.” As my own words sank in, I began to see the truth in those words. But they would not un-derstand, would they? They would not know that suicide is a great option for me, would they? They would not know that there were times when death is the best option.
I fully looked at Kelvin for the first time, and ap@rt from noticing his handsome features, I noticed that his hair was slightly longer than most men’s, just long enough to envelope my f!ngers, I thought strangely. A faint smile crossed his face. “I am glad you are checking me out because if you see something you like, you might consider living”
That statement effectively drove my thoughts away from my failed suicide. I raised my brow. “Even if I was checking you out, what makes you think I like what I see uhn? I don’t see anything I feel I should like” I returned cheekily.
Instead of frowning, he actually grinned. “Oh, I am sure you like what you see”
I resisted shaking my head, knowing it would hurt like hell. “You are just too full of yourself if you think so”
“No, sweetheart. The way your f!ngerstwitched when you looked at my hair was a telltale sign that you liked what you saw a lot” he said grinning.
I froze slightly and quic-kly gave him a blank look. “You are just imagining things”
He smiled. “A really good imagination that must be.”
I sighed and shifted my eyes to the doctor who seemed to have also been infected with the ‘grinning’ disease. I sighed again. “I have seen grinning faces enough to last me a lifetime. It is just ironic that I find nothing substantial enough to grin about” I said in annoyance.
“Watching you are a good cause to grin” Kelvin said before the doctor had his mouth open.
“Absolutely” I exclaimed. “My life is such a terrible heap of mess, if I were not the mess, I am sure I would also be laughing. I don’t blame you guys for doing that”
The smile on their faces wiped out. “You know that is not what I mean” he said seriously.
“Well, it is a delight to see that you are not whining about pain and distress like every other woman in your situation would, and that is why we are smiling. You are interesting to watch, you are almost ma-king me forget my professional etiquettes” the doctor said.
I winced. “You cannot imagine just how interesting I am; my life could make a fantastic movie. In fact, I won’t be surprised if a movie is in the ma-king just because of me” I said as my predic@m£nt loomed over me. The smiles on their faces were non-existent again. I looked at Kelvin. “Don’t expect me to thank you for preventing my death because you did not do me a favour, you just succeeded giving me another chance at pain and tears. Don’t worry, I am alre-ady used to tears.”
Silence reigned until the doctor cleared his throat and went about his duty, fussing over me like I was puppy in distress. “You are responding well. You should be out of here in another twenty four hours. This should at least calm Kelvin down; he has been glued to you like a second skin”
Although this was no good news to me, I had to blame myself for the haughty way I have been behaving. No matter what my problem might be, these people were at least showing some kindness and I ought to show some gratitude.
“I know what you are thinking” Kelvin said suddenly. “You promised not to thank me and I am holding you to your word. I hate being appreciated, it makes me feel ancient. Now, st©p thinking too much”
I blu-shed slightly, wondering why I always felt on guard and spontaneous with this guy. He always gets me on my toes, ranting like an idiot and saying some things that I don’t really mean. “You don’t have to stay here” I said quietly. “plea-se go, I would be fine”
He smiled. “I won’t give you a chance to repeat what you did. I am going to make sure that you and your child are protected. Once you get out of here, you are coming with me.” I opened my mouth. “No arguments” he said, silencing me, not with his words but with his look. “If you can’t take care of yourself, I would gladly do that for you. I won’t watch the flower wither before my very eyes” he said quietly, reminding me of the last time I saw him. I swallowed painfully and sighed.
********************
“Bello” Mrs. Bello called softly as she approached her husband in fear. They have not shared a word since the whole confession took place. Mr. Bello did not move a muscle as he re-ad the newspaper. He opened a page and did not even seem to notice the pres£nce of his wife.
“plea-se talk to me Bello. When would we talk about this? I am sorry” she said in tears.
He remained quiet and she shifted nervously. “Would you ever forgive me?”
He raised his eyes to her and finally opened her mouth and talked. “We are strangers and we would continue to live that way until I am able to get a divorce” Mrs. Bello g@sped in shock. “Just tell me something” he continued. “Who did you cheat on me with?” he asked. “Who is Amara’s father? Or are they many?” he asked with a sneer.
She swallowed and took a step back.
“It is Habeeb”
He frowned de-eply. “Which Habeeb?”
“Habeeb Sinja; my former driver” she declared.
If you are the s£nator, what would you do?
CAN’T HOLD MY TEARS
EPISODE 26
I opened the door of the car before Kelvin got to my side and he frowned but said nothing. “I don’t know what possessed me to even think of coming with you. This is a ridiculous idea” I said.
“Not as ridiculous as you trying to take your own life” he said as we walked into his ap@rtment.
I looked at him. “There is nothing ridiculous about that. There is a limit to the pain one can endure” I countered. He was silent until we entered the house. The house was spectacular and beautiful – moderate in size for the bachelor that he was; if he was telling the truth that is. The sitting room was filled with equipment which looked totally masculine. I saw some picture frames and I nodded internally when I saw a lady’s picture.
“She is beautiful” I said with an odd smile on my face.
He followed my gaze and smiled too. “Of course she is” he said with pride in his voice. “That is my stubborn sister. She is beautiful but a pain in my n£¢k most of the time. I love her anyways.” He smiled and his eyes shined with love.
I smiled genuinely for the first time. “I love sibling relationsh!ps, it must have been fun growing up with her”
He smiled and shook his head. “Most times, it was. Other times, you just wish she would just vanish; but then, she leaves the house for just a week and you miss her like hell” He smiled at me and I smiled back, thinking about the fun he must have had. “Do you have siblings?”
“No” I said immediately, and then froze. “That’s wrong” I murmured and swallowed. “I actually have a sibling. A brother” I said bitterly.
His smiled had vanished by the time he c@m£ to sit with me. “Amara” he called for the first time. He asked for my name in the hospital and since I told him, he has not called my name. He smiled softly. “Can I call you Ara?”
I frowned. “Ara? Why that?” No one has ever shortened my name that way.
He smiled. “I un-derstand Yoru-ba language a bit and ‘Ara’ means ‘wonder’. I think the name suits you very well” he said smiling softly. He always looked handsome whether or not he was smiling but whenever he smiled like that, he looked absolutely breathtaking. The way he pronounced ‘Ara’ made it sound so sophisticated and plea-sant that I almost preferred it to my real name.
“I like it” I said with a faint blus-h.
He smiled. “I like it when you blus-h this way honey”
I startled. “St©p calling me that!” I barked, instantly on guard.
“What?” he asked in confusion.
“Honey… sweetheart… darling…” I ranted. “I hate it”
“You hate endearments?” he asked with a soft smile.
I glared at him. “I see no reason why you should smile. There! I know why you fight with your sister often; you are annoying”
He grinned wi-der. “And do you fight with your brother often?”
I froze and stared at him. His smile faded and I shifted my gaze.
“Tell me about your brother” he said suddenly and I blanched. I shifted and pla-yed with my f!ngers. “You have been trying to prevent me from interrogating you but you know you can’t run away from it. You would eventually tell me, so why not now? Why did you attempt suicide, even in your condition? Why does the mention of your husband or brother have such a negative effect on you?”
No! I couldn’t tell him. He would surely run! I thought vaguely. How can I tell him that my husband and my brother are one? Who on earth can hear such ru-bbish and remain sane? The fact that I am still in my right s-en-ses remains a mystery to me.
“You can trust me Ara, I just want to be a listening ear” he said softly.
I shook my head carefully. “When I said my life was fit for a movie, I was not lying” I said. “I can’t possibly tell you, it is more devastating than you can ever imagine”.
He nodded seriously. “plea-se take pity on me and tell me, because if you don’t, I would just think my way into insanity, wondering what might have happened to you”
I sighed and stood up from the chair. I walked over to Kelvin’s sister’s ph0to on the wall and ran my f!ngersthrou-gh it. “You must love your sister, more than anything in this world” I said and my f!ngersshook. “I am sure you would protect her from anything that might hurt her; you are not likely to bet on her vir-ginity”
“Absolutely not” his voice made it obvious that he thought the idea ridiculous.
I turned to him with a faint painful smile as I fought back tears. I wondered if a time would come when I would tell my story without tears. “Oh, well, thank God for brothers like you”
His eyes wi-de-ned as he gazed at me. “Why don’t you sit with me honey?”
I shook my head and turned away from him. “You want to hear my story? Well, you would. I can’t effectively narrate it on my seat.” I smiled weakly as I stared Kelvin’s family portrait on the wall. “I grew up with my father and mother. My mother was practically my best friend. I never really got along with my father but I loved him anyways. I had high dreams. I was and I still am a village girl. I grew up in the village and studied there. But because of my high dreams and goals, I re-ad every book I la-id my eyes on. I stole glances at our neighbor’s television and spent time with our teachers. You must feel that I don’t really talk like a village girl – well, I am like that because I adapt quic-kly to change. I learn as many things as I can and I try to put them to use; but where did that curiosity land me? It landed me in the arms of a viper in a corper’s garment. Because of my habit of spending time with teacher in order to learn more, the corper used it to his advantage. He s£dûç£d me and flir-ted with me endlessly; but guess what? I actually fell for him.” I laughed softly and shook my head. “I threw my ambitions to the wind and lost myself in the sweet words and flowers that the corper threw to me until I finally crowned it up by giving up my vir-ginity”
I shook my head and fell silent. Kelvin was silent for several seconds and I could almost hear the ticking hand of the wall clock. “Hold on” he said and I turned to see his face looking incredulously at me. “I am trying to connect dots. Are you trying to say that your brother placed a bet on someone deflowering you?”
I smiled ti-ghtly. “That is precisely it” I conceded.
He jumped to his feet. “The Son of a b****” he cursed throu-gh clenched teeth. He looked furiously dangerous. “Forgive me honey but your brother is a stupid b******. How dare him?” he asked on raised voice. His anger was almost enough compensation for the trauma of reliving my memories. “And who is the b****** who actually perpetrated the act? Forgive me for being rash with my words; I don’t know how to say this. Who did that to you?” he asked angrily.
I laughed bitterly. “That is the funny p@rt isn’t it?” I said as tears sli-pped unnoticed out of my eyes. “Wouldn’t it have been better if someone else had actually carried out the act?”
He stilled slightly. “What do you mean?”
I turned to face him fully as more tears flowed. “I was deflowered by my own brother” I declared. He froze and practically bec@m£ a pillar of salt before me and insanely, I started laughing. “It is hilarious right?” I asked as I laughed uncontrollably. “It would make a great comedy” I said laughing until I discovered I was no longer laughing but crying. And when I started crying, Kelvin walked towards me but I stepped back. “Just… just leave me…” I cried. “I just… I just want to cry…” I said crying. “I want to cry until someone takes pity on me and wakes me up to tell me that this is just a really bad dream…” I ru-bbe-d futilely at my cheeks as my watery eyes swam. “I have tried kelvin… I have tried to wake up” I cried. “But this dream seems to go on forever. I am scared it might not be a dream after all… it looks more and more like reality with each pas-sing day”.
Disregarding my attempts at warding him off, Kelvin pu-ll-ed me into his arms and held me close; as close as my tummy would allow. He took me to the couch and held me in his arms. “It’s Ok” he whispered soothingly. “You’ll be fine. It’s ok” he continued to whisper until I almost found those words believable. My cry subsided to hiccu-ps and then vanished altogether. Calmly, I gave him the full story and he listened with his arms ti-ght£ñing now and then. When I was done, it was like he was boiling with suppressed anger and his jaw was ti-ght. When he opened his mouth, it was to change the subject. I was stunned and momentarily disappointed that he did not say anything about all I said.
“Are you hungry?” he asked and I raised my head from his shoulder, leaving the circle of his arms in an instant. I wondered what my problem might be. I have not gotten over what Alex did and here I am, in another man’s house. I am my own problem.
“You can trust me Ara; I am not Alex” he said throu-gh clenched teeth that showed that he was still boiling with hunger. How he could easily re-ad my thoughts was still a major point of concern to me. Can I not think of anything without him knowing? He smiled softly. “I would get you something to eat.” He said and stood up.
“I can’t stay here. Even if I trust you, this place is too close to Alex’s house” I don’t want to have a cause of seeing anyone if I am going to stay alive and living so close to them might not achieve that. Besides, I can’t possibly live with Kelvin; that is too much. Ap@rt from it being risky living with a man alone, I would not want to infringe on his privacy.
“And where would you go?” he asked.
“Anywhere” I said. “I can take care of myself.”
“You can but you won’t. I know I won’t be able to make you stay here” he said. “But I have a place not close by. It is a quiet and conducive environment; you would love the place. You would spend the night here and I would take you there tomorrow. I would have someone to be there with you, so don’t worry, I won’t be staying there. Would just be visiting”
I swallowed. “Why are you so kind to me?” I asked.
He smiled. “Because I can’t be anything but kind to you. Not everyone has bad intents Ara; I just want to make you smile again”
WATCHOUT FOR EPISODE 27
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