???
ROSES FOR RACHEL
____________________
?Episode_40 ☑
????????
I woke up wra-pped warmly up in a thick quilt on the floor, and I gro-an ed when I realized that Calvin wasn’t with me, so I sat up until I saw him sitting directly in front of the fire that had nearly burnt out, shi-tless, with his back to me. I watched him for a minute, admiring his sculpted shoulders until my eyes landed on the awful scars again. I stood up carefully, keeping the blanket wra-pped firmly around my n-ked b©dy and I went to him, sitting in his l@p. He ha-rd ly moved his eyes from the flames, and as I watched him stare at it, the flames reflecting into his eyes, I could feel his pain again. Despite how ha-rd he’s trying to make the feelings go away, he’s still haunted.
“Talk to me, Cal.” I whisper to him and he sighed.
“I can’t.”
“You can.” I insisted. “I know you’re worried what I will think about you after you tell me, but nothing you can say can make me not love you, Cal, you have to know that.”
He turned his eyes to mine finally, but it wasn’t any better to have the intensity in them focused on me now. It made me feel uneasy. “Rachel, you have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“So tell me then!” I said frustrated. “What happened out there?” I asked but he shook his head. “What can’t you tell me, Calvin?”
“If you only knew.” He said cryptically, turning back to the fire again.
I huffed, the frustration really getting to me. “Calvin, we are married.” I said. “I’m your wife, you can’t just keep things from me.” I insisted. “If you want this to work we have to be honest with each other, no secrets.”
He rolled his eyes and looked back at me. “Isn’t that a little hypocritical of you?” He asked and I raised my brows, leaning my face away from his glare.
“Excuse me?”
“Did you really think nob©dy would tell me that you were attacked?” He asked and my stomach sank and I lowered my eyes from his gaze. “You’re not the one to talk about keeping secrets, are you?”
I shook my head, still looking down at my blanket. “That was different.” I told him. “You alre-ady had so much going on, and I didn’t want you to have anything else to worry about.”
“Someone drank from you, Rachel.” He said in disgust. “How could you think that was ok to keep from me?”
I clumsily stood up, stomping to the other side of the room. “How dare you!” I shouted. “All you do is keep secrets, but I hide one thing to try and protect your feelings, and now you’re throwing it in my face and ma-king me feel like damaged goods.” I said with tears running down my face.
Calvin sighed, leaning his head down to his knees, and running his hands throu-gh his hair r0ûghly before he sh0t up from the ground and over to me. “That’s not what I meant, Rachel!” He shouted. “I’m sorry!” He screamed.
“So then why can’t you just talk to me? plea-se, Calvin!” I shouted back, the raw emotion between us rising the tension in the room to a thick darkness.
He gr@bb£d my shoulders and shook me once. “I want to!” He screamed, then pu-ll-ed me into his che-st, holding me to him ti-ghtly. “I’ve done so much.” He cried, fat tears running from his eyes to drop onto my face, which only made me cry too.
“Calvin, you have to talk to me.” I told him. “If you keep going the way you have been, it’s going to tear you ap@rt…it’s going to tear us ap@rt.”
“You know I don’t want that.”
“I know.” I nodded into his che-st.
He dropped his arms from me, walking away again. “You’ll hate me, Rachel.”
“What could be so bad?” I begged and his shoulders shook.
Finally he sighed, walking to sit on our unused be-d, putting his head in his hands. “Come sit with me.” He whispered and I walked over to him. “Baby, I messed up.” He said shaking his head. “I let so many people down…I’m not a good person, Rachel. I want to be, for you, but I’m not.” He cried. “I’ll talk to you. I’ll tell you what happened out there, but plea-se…promise you’ll try to un-derstand?”
“Of course.” I whispered, knowing that even if he tells me what happened in the battle, there is definitely much more than just that weighing him down. I’ll take what I can get for now. As much as I hate knowing it, I do know in my heart that he is lying to me about something…something big…something that would end us. “I want to know.” I told him, half hoping he would come clean entirely, and half hoping he wouldn’t.
He ru-bbe-d his face, then turned to face me. “Ok, here it is.”
I waited with bated breath for him to say something but so many emotions kept pla-ying across his tense face, yet no words pas-sed hisl-ips.
“Calvin?” I prompted him, the suspense ma-king it only that much worse on my nerves.
He sighed for the billionth time. “I don’t know how to say any of it out loud.” He admitted, turning his face to the fireplace that now housed nothing but glowing embers, giving the room an eerie orange glow.
I put my hand in his l@p, ru-bbing his knee gently. “Well, what did you tell Pedro when you briefed him on everything?”
“A much nicer version of the truth.”
I nodded my head, chewing on my l!pwith my nerves running ramp@n-t. “Ok, so maybe start with what you told him, then give me the p@rts you left out, or that you changed.”
He leaned his head back, looking up at the ceiling and his shoulders shook. “Alright.” He breathed. “Well, you know I had to go to Germany.” He started slowly. “All of the information we were getting was that the main f0rç£ behind the rebellion was gathering there, so we infiltrated the settlement there.” He paused. “It’s a lot like it is in Castrum de Petra, just smaller.”
He explained. “The rebels were hiding in a blocked off area, and they had humans who were helping them to keep us out by lacing the areas with juniper, ma-king it nearly impossible for us to get to them. We made a lot of negotiations, but every time I thought we’d been getting somewhere, getting closer to resolution, then they’d come back and deny the deal we’d made hours before.” His expression changed, and I felt the chills run up my spine. “They attacked us while we sle-pt, which is against all of our codes and laws of war anyway, to battle so un-derhandedly. I lost tons of men, and I was badly hurt.” He said titling his head to his scared shoulder. “A vampire with a special ax, laced with juniper…he hacked away this whole section.” He told me, running his hand around his scar.
“How did a vampire use juniper?” I asked in horror, pu-lling him to me protectively as if the threat were still around and I could protect him.
“They wore special gloves and clothing to protect themselves from it.” He whispered, then stood up, walking towards the fire to add another log, the flame billowing upward. “I almost died.” He said to the fire. “He hacked off my shoulder, then two others converged on me, pu-lling me ap@rt…” His words ran out and I felt the tears coming down my cheeks. Knowing he had been so close to being gone from me forever was like a thousand blades to the heart. “A human from there side, he didn’t want me to be killed, he wanted what the less manic rebels wanted, so he intervened. He threw a vile of pure juniper on them, giving me and my men enough time to take the upper hand in the fight.” He kept his back to me, hiding his face. “His name was Daniel, and he saved my life. He was the only reason I made it home to you.”
I got up and went to him, trying to hold him, but he pu-ll-ed away, leaving me standing alone while he sat back down on the rug. “Calvin?” I whispered, feeling a little offended that he’d b!own me off.
“Rachel, if I don’t get it out now, I won’t.” He said gently, turning his face back to the fire. “Daniel convinced some of the humans fighting against us to switch sides, he didn’t want to see the carnage any more than I did. They told us who was behind the revolts and where the bastard was hiding in Belgium.” His voice was angry. “We’d been keeping our camps separate, mine and the one with the humans because our blood supply was dangerously low and I was afraid of an incident, so I left the camp of vampires to go and tell the human troops about the plans we’d finalized, but while I was gone the rebels bombe-d my camp with g@s grenades made with juniper, and it was a total loss.” He sighed. “That’s when I talked to you last, when the humans and I were un-der attack.”
I just sat down in the floor, shaking my head trying to rid my mind of all of the horrific visions I was getting. “Oh my god.” I whispered and Calvin laughed throu-gh tears.
“That wasn’t even the bad p@rt.” He gr-unted. “It was down to me, three other vampires who had accompanied me to the human camp, and the 8 humans. We left immediately, nee-ding the surprise factor if we had any chance of ending things. We arrived in Belgium and finding Lord Martex wasn’t difficult. He was once a close ally of my father’s before he bec@m£ too radical and my father dismissed him from the council. He was hauled up in a house outside the city, and Rachel…He must have known we were coming because he had hostages. Lots of them…humans and vampires. I made a judgment call. I nee-ded the fighting to st©p, I nee-ded to prove once and for all that I was not a king to be reckoned with, that I would never tolerate this type of uprising against my rule again.” He took a de-ep breath. “I gave the order.” He whispered. “I s£nt my men in to their deaths. There were only four survivors, myself included. Daniel and one of my guards Raul survived the attack, as well as one of Lord Martex’s men. At first as we fled we didn’t know he’d made it out, he attacked us out of nowhere, nearly killing Daniel before he r!pp£dout Raul’s heart. If I had been thinking clearly I would have separated them, but if you only knew the things I’d just seen…I threw the match, ripping out the other man’s heart at the same time, and I lost Raul at the same time.” My hands shook in my l@p as I watched him bring his legs up un-der his chin and begin rocking back and forth, his shoulders shaking. “Rachel…” He said my name throu-gh tears and I crawled to his side, wra-pping my hands around his shoulders as he shook.
“It’s ok, you can st©p, Calvin.” I cried to him, not wanting to see this pain anymore but he shook his head.
“No.” He shouted. “You nee-d to know.” He said lower, still rocking manically. “I told you before that I’ve never attacked a person before.” He whispered. “That’s not true anymore.” My eyes wi-de-ned as I saw where this was going and my heart broke a thousand times. “Rachel, he was leading me back here. Daniel was helping me still, even though he owed me nothing and had just seen the way I ruthlessly let my men all die. He was injured though…and he was bleeding, and I hadn’t eaten in so long. It just happened.” He sobbe-d, finally turning his eyes to me, trying to blink the tears away. “I killed him.” He whispered and then he broke down. “Like an animal, I killed him. Like a monster.” He dropped his head down into his hands. “I’m a killer, Rachel, that’s who I am, that’s who you married. I’m a killer and a liar, and I don’t deserve you. I never did, but especially not now.”
I didn’t know what to say to him. No words were going to make any of this better, and I wasn’t even 100 percent sure I knew where my own head was at in this moment. Everything he’d just told me just pla-yed around in my mind like a god awful nightmare and I didn’t even actually see any of it, so knowing what kinds of things are in his head…There was nothing I could do.
I watched him, feeling like a monster myself for just letting him cry alone the way I was, but I nee-ded to process too. It was a scary feeling knowing that I really didn’t know the man in front of me. I love him whole heartedly, but who is he?
“What’s your favorite color?” I blurted out and his shaky cries turned to a brief laugh.
“What?” He asked hoarsely.
I shrugged my shoulders, then reached over to him, ma-king him sit up so that I could l@ymy head into his l@p and look up at him. “I want to know what your favorite color is.” I repeated. “I’m distracting you.” I explained. “I know there isn’t anything I can do to make what you’re going throu-gh better, but I think that the fact that you are this upset about what you did, means that you know that it wasn’t right, and that means you aren’t a monster.” As I was saying it I realized it was the truth. If he were a truly bad person, this wouldn’t be affecting him at all. “It’s going to take time for you to move pas-sed what happened out there, but I’m not letting you self-destruct over it. You’re a good person.”
He looked down at me like I was truly certifiable. “How can you say that after what I just told you?” He asked in amazement.
“Because it’s the truth, Calvin.” I said with an eye roll. “You care, and that’s what matter’s. If you were faced with those choices again, knowing how you feel now, would you still make the same choices?” I asked.
He furrowed his brows, thinking, but then he shook his head.
“No.”
“Good, then you aren’t a monster.” I grinned up to his pitiful face. Calvin spends so much time being the strong one for me, it’s my turn to be there for him. “You made mistakes, Cal, everyone does. You’re going to get pas-sed it… we are going to get pas-sed it.” I said softly, then narrowed my eyes at him. “Now, what is your favorite color?”
He looked at me incredulously, then smiled lightly. “I like blue, like you.” He whispered softly, his voice sounding slightly less depressed. “I used to like dark blue, like a stormy ocean, but now I prefer light, icy blue, like your eyes.”
I spent the next few hours distracting him from his troubles, while getting to know all of the little things I wanted to know about him at the same time. He slowly c@m£ out of his shell of self-loathing, and got back to being a little more like himself. I really hoped that opening up about it all, and being honest with me, would help soothe some of his pain, but I knew it would still take some time. Just like I knew I would nee-d time to come to terms with it all too.
After hours of quizzing each other on all of the minimal things, we distracted ourselves in ways that were even more fun in our little pri-vate cabin in the woods. Calvin had gone throu-gh all of the trouble to prepare all of this for me, I wasn’t letting our honeymoon go to waste.
??????
?????
To_be_Continued