JUNE BREAK
Episode 64
By Amah’s Heart.
I wanted to send an apologetic message to Phil, I sat thinking of what I’m going to write.
I was heart broken and couldn’t function perfectly all through that period because of Phil.
After much thought I began to type.
“My dear Phil, my love and hero. The only man i cherished. My heart aches for you and my love for you is undying. I’m sorry for my behavior or in anyway I acted out of order. Although I expectedly you to trust me enough and know what I can do and things I can’t do. I understand I have a horrible past of which you’re very aware of but is only a past. I can’t hurt you intentionally or cheat on you with another man. No, I will never do that to you Phil, I love you with all my heart and my entire being sings of your love. I swim in the ocean of your love for me and nothing else in any other man interest me. Denise helped me with some cash because I needed as many help as I can gather up. My Mom is all I care about at this moment and she’s the reason I can go to any length to seek for help. Please try to understand and trust me enough because I truly love and trust you and that’s simply the truth. Denise is just been nice to me and no string attached. Denise is a nice guy and I didn’t go there alone to see him, I went with Rachel, my sister. She was there and saw everything that happened. Denise didn’t make any strange move on me, he was only helping me because he saw that I truly needed the help. I don’t know how to explain this whole thing because I never betrayed you or cheated on you Phil. My only mistake was not telling you and is because I was afraid that you will be mad. Exactly what I feared is what that happened. If you trust me enough and not bring up my past each time there’s a misunderstanding, I will never hide anything from you but because I know that you’ve not really given me the benefit of doubts that’s why I can’t be open with you. Please Phil I…I…”
I stared at the long written apologetic note, I don’t know what to input anymore and I don’t want to keep typing.
Probably I wasn’t even making any sense in the letter and some of the lines I used may get him mad because I’m all agitated as I type.
I’m emotionally destabilized.
I was getting angry with the whole thing as I wonder why Phil will keep judging me with my past and never trusting me enough.
How long will I continue to do this, how long will I be explaining myself when I did absolutely nothing wrong.
I concluded that I wasn’t going to send him any message.
The only message he will get from me is silence.
I deleted the messages and move to go check on my Mom.
My Dad was out to get some things for the house.
I took a chair and sat beside my mom’s bed.
Her condition was an eye sore but I’m hanging onto hope because that’s all i got.
I started talking to her, I don’t know if she hear or understand me but I kept talking anyway.
I reminded her of the good old days, the sweet memory she might have forgotten.
I spoke to her about her man, my Dad, that truly loves her and never stop caring for her despite how devastated her sickness made him.
I pleaded with my Mom to fight harder and fight well to remain alive because we needed her.
I needed her and my Dad also.
If God was kind enough to keep her alive till date, making it possible for me to meet her still breathing, the cancer did not consumed her whole, then the same God will restore her fully.
She will not die. I refused and reject such thought because I need her.
We’ve been separated for about five years, and I can’t afford to agree I won’t ever hold or hear my mother call my name.
I became so emotional that I wept so hard, I have to leave before my Dad returns back
As I was walking out, I saw my Dad coming in.
He wasn’t gone for long.
He asked if I was OK and I nodded
I told him I was with Mom
I spoke with my Dad for sometimes before returning back to the room
Rachel was avoiding me but I’m not even surprise or angry with her.
My mind was literally focused on more important things and which is my mom’s health.
That’s all that matters to me.
Not Phil and definitely not Rachel.
I kept assuring myself that all will be well
I don’t know how but I have faith.
Where Money can’t reach my faith in God will journey ahead.
Faith is all I got at this point
JUNE BREAK
Episode 64
By AMAH’S HEART
arrangement was made as quick as possible and my Mom was transported out of the country for the medical treatment.
My Dad was so happy, he couldn’t stop thanking me for being able to come up with such a huge amount of money during such a very Short period.
We can only pray she comes out of this whole again. The síckness drained her to the bone, She has being through a lot.
“Aside medical help, we need a miracle. This cãncer needs to go into remission or disappear for good. Only miracle can do it..”
Those were my dad’s words.
My Dad travelled with her and we speaks on phone mostly.
A trusted family member need to be by the side of my Mom always and my Dad who has not only proven to truly love and care for her, he has being there through all the season
In riches, in poor, in sickness and in health.
My Dad kept to his vow and never abandoned my Mom
I admire this great and rare things about him.
He’s not perfect but he is a good man
A loving husband an amazing father
That’s the kind of man I want for myself and children.
He promised to remain on the side of my Mom until there’s a miracle which he was seriously praying for.
I don’t want any man that will abandon me when I needs him the most or continuously reminding me of my past mistakes.
I want to be with a man that will put my heart at peace.
My heart skips anytime I’m greeting male friend or chatting with one and Phil calls
I want to be open and truthful but he makes it difficult for me to truly open up
And now, he had barely spoken to me for over a week.
I called him and he picked and I told him that my Mom has left the country with my Dad
He said OK
He didn’t have much to say but i tried to keep up with the conversation although it takes two to make a good conversation but
I don’t want to lose him, I don’t want him to get angry with me.
I have avoided all the trouble that may erupt it’s hard but no matter how long I run I guess Phil will never trust me.
After that day, I made up my mind to focus on my mother’s pressing health issue
I know I need Phil but I can no longer give room for the continues disrespect and accusations
I have tried to gain his trust but each time I fall short in a little way, he doesn’t failed to remind me of my past or how much he can’t trust me.
I’m sick and tired of it all and will no longer care.
I didn’t confront Rachael, I acted normal around her and didn’t allow whatever she did to get to me.
She later came to apologise
“Are you still vexing because of Phil? She asked
” vexing? Not all. Why should I? I retorted while still focusing on what I was doing.
“Well, I’m sorry. I never meant any harm. I was only joking and didn’t know he will react that way..”
“Is fine Richeal…”
“Are you sure..? She asked
” hundred percent.. ” I replied.
She smile and came to hug me unexpectedly
I shrugs a little then relaxed
“I saw one jumpsuit in your bag, I like it..”
I was about to ask her what she was doing in my bag and how she saw the cloth, Rachael rushed to my bag and brought out three of the jump suits i had with me.
They are the only jumpsuit I came down with
“Give me one, I prefer this one with little touch of flower…”
She showed me the one that she liked
They’re the shopping gift i got from Phil, and the suit with a touch of flower is also one of my favorite.
Rachael that I know will not give up until she get what she wants.
I told her that she can have it
“Thank you anyway, although I planned to steal it if you refuse to give it to me..”
I wasn’t surprise neither did i react.
“….I want to go and see Dennis, he said he will be around today. I have been wanting to see him all this while but he’s hardly in the house…”
“Dennis? Are you two an item now..” I asked.
“Well, not really. We’re just friends. Hoping to be an item soon off course..”
She winked at me before catwalking away.
The following day, I got a call from my Dad informing me that everything was moving on fine.
That was a big relief.
I started making arrangement to travel back to my base, I need to go back so that I can resume school.
After two days, I got a call from Phil twice trying to act normal and to check up on me.
I thanked him for checking up.
He wanted to say something else but ended the call instead.
I have made up my mind on what I want and moving forward, I don’t want anybody, not even Phil to determine my happiness.
I have come to realize that anytime Phil’s is mad at me, I’m always angry and disorganized.
I even lost appetite for food or anything.
I’m so much into him that I can’t do anything without involving him
I’m always sacred of getting on his bad sides.
My fear of offending him or causing rift between us makes me feel less of myself most time.
I no longer want that, he may never stop reminding me of my past or how difficult it will be for him to trust me again.
I need peace and be with a man that will look past my mistakes, love and trust me wholly and not remind me of my short comings each time I make a mistake.
Phil called a night before the day I planned to leave.
He asked me if I was OK
I told him that I was fine, he said I wasn’t responding well to him for some days now.
He asked if it’s because of Denis, if Denis is the reason for my cold attitude and silent this past week.
He also mentioned that anytime we had misunderstandings. I always call him and try to explain things but this time around, I never did.
I only said I was alright and cool with him. Denis wasn’t the reason for anything.
I can hear him Chuckling, but I know that’s one of his ways of expressing sådness.
He asked me when I was coming back and I told him the following day.
He became angry again that I didn’t deem it fit to let him know of my plans or traveling arrangement.
He mentioned that I must have told Dennis about it first.
After that he jumped to another part.
“April, you’re lying to me and you know it. You’re seeing Denis right?
I was already getting irritated with him bringing Denis up each time.
Instead of speaking, I kept quiet.
No matter how many times I said it or try to defend myself, it will fell on a deaf ear.
He won’t still believe me or take my words serious.
I was over it.
“… Hello April, you’re not saying anything. So..is true then, you’re seeing Dennis right?
” Phil, even if I tell you otherwise you won’t still believe me. I have told you time without number that I don’t have anything with Dennis or any other man. Hmmm! anyway, there is no point going over this again. I’m really not in the mood for all this. I want to sleep..”
“Goodnight then..” He said and ended the call.
I went to bed.
The following morning, my brother came.
He said I should spare a day so that he can take me round the city
It was hard for me to resist because I haven’t spend quality time with Mark.
He was busy with work all this while and has also mentioned that he will like to introduce me to his girlfriend.
I agreed, got ready and we left on a cab.
Dennis called to know if I have left, he said Rachel just told him that I was traveling today.
I told him that I was still around.
He asked if he can come around that day or the following day, I told him that I wasn’t home and I will be traveling very early the next day.
He said there was no problem.
Mark introduced his girlfriend to me, she was so please to meet me and even commended that I was so beautiful, I giggled and told her that she was equally beautiful
Mark took us out and we had a great time.
Phil called during the day, Mark was talking with his woman when I picked up the call.
“Where are you, that place is a bit noisy…”
“Yeah, I went out with…”
“With Dennis right..” He interrupted.
“…I can even hear his voice in the background. I thought you said you will be traveling back today. I was planning to go to the airport and wait for you but wanted to know the time of your arrival first. You’re just unbelievable April.. I’m not surprise..”
I excused myself, stepped outside
I wanted to give Phil a piece of my mind but I don’t want to do it in front of Mark and his girlfriend.
Getting outside, I had a changed of mind.
I just said few things instead before ending the call.
I returned back inside, Mark asked if I was alright and I said I was feeling great.
We later went home.
Early morning the following day, the honking from Denis car woke me up.
Rachel was with him, he said he wanted to take me to either the park or airport where i will then take the ride back to base.
I thanked him, quickly got ready, my bags were packed.
I left
Rachel sat in front, I was at the back as Denis drove on.
Rachel maybe forcing herself on Dennis I can’t tell what exactly they’re doing.
She passed the night at Dennis house which means is more than just ordinary friend.
I silently hope she’s not the one forcing herself on a man.
I also hope Dennis will be sincere and not try to play along
One can’t be too sure, probably he also wants her.
He had commended her looks, he mentioned she has a straight model legs, her fine shape and her general appearance on that first day.
I hope they’re not playing each other.
I’m going back to my base to face my own life.
Tc