When a man loves
I was sitting on the sofa, absent minded and I didn’t even hear my husband walking inside the room. I was shocked when I saw him already inside the house. Getting up, I went to hug him but it didn’t feel right. He didn’t hug me back, he immediately took my hand and we went to sit on the sofa. I feel so bad right now because when I woke up early in the morning from hangover, Jay was still in the room and he had prepared some breakfast for me.
I know you are asking yourselves what he was doing in my bedroom. Jay came last night and I was bored. At that time I wished I had gone with Vusi. Anyway when I opened the door, he had a plastic bag with chicken slice and some drinks. Since I was alone and bored, I let him inside the house. We had a lot to drink and one thing we were making out on the couch. The rest is history because I don’t remember what happened but the main point is that I slept with another man while married. I actually chased Jay out of my house and I cried a lot. Never in my life had I thought of doing that. I love Vusi with all of my heart and I feel so guilty right now. I don’t know what to do, afraid to lose him I am going to keep this secret from him, I can’t bear the pain of losing him.
I was drunk and I became so weak that I let myself lose. Now that I am back to my normal senses, I have realized that what I did was wrong and I shouldn’t have done it.
‘Are you okay?’ I ask him.
‘Marisa, would you marry another man because of my condition?’
‘Never will I do that Vusi. I love you so much with all of my heart and I have already accepted the fact that we can’t have a child together. But Vusi that is nothing, the love we share, the feelings we have for each other counts the most and that I don’t want it to end. Are you worried because of that?’ I ask him.
‘Yes, Marisa. I don’t ever want to lose you, like never. Chat martinmartino on zero eight one eighty thirty fourteen twenty one to be added to his whatsapp group
‘And you will never lose me Vusi,’ I honestly say to him.
I will not put my marriage on jeopardy. What I had with Jay was nothing and I will not let it make things complicated between me and my husband. It was a mistake and I will conclude whatever we had with that statement. I don’t know but there was just something amiss about Vusi. It’s as if though there was something he wasn’t telling me or maybe I was thinking too much because of the guilty that I was feeling.
‘How was your trip?’ I asked him.
‘It was okay. I managed to get the deal.’
‘I am so happy for you.’
I was always proud of what he does. I don’t know why my mother and my 2 sisters disliked Vusi. He was a very hardworking young man. If only they knew that just maybe they would change their feelings towards him. I just wanted them to accept Vusi and always welcome him whenever he came over at mum’s house.
‘Did something happen when I was away?’
My heart instantly started pounding and I was trembling wondering why he was asking me that question. Did he perhaps install some cameras inside the house? So many questions running through my mind right now.
‘It’s nothing. I just wanted to know if you were safe when I was not around.’
My phone chose to ring at that moment, grabbing it. It was Jay calling and I had made mental note to block his number. I couldn’t answer the call in front of my husband.
‘You can answer it. I am going to have a shower,’ he said getting up
I had already seen the caller id of the person who was calling and I don’t think that I have to tell who it was. You know what hurts the most? He is actually still calling her and she lied to me. I know right now that my wife is not going to tell me the truth; she will not tell me that she had sex with Jay and I am not going to ask her about it. I stand at the corridor which was very wrong of me because I wanted to listen to her conversation.
‘My husband is back Jay and please forget about what happened last night. I was drunk and in the influence of alcohol. I don’t know what I was thinking when I slept with you but I regret that moment. I have never cheated on my husband and please stop calling me,’ with that said, as I was looking at her, she dropped off the phone call.
Her words would have made me happy but the thought of her in another man’s arms breaks my heart. Her having sex with him on my bed just makes me more mad. I don’t know if I will be able to make love to her knowing very well that she slept with someone else. I know she was drunk but did she really fail to control her feelings. What if she already wanted what Jay had offered to her? What if she was already attracted to him and will use the drinking as an excuse? I have so many thoughts running through my mind and with a heavy heart, I don’t know if I should ask her about it. The other thing that hurts me a lot is that, even if I don’t ask her anything, she will not tell me. How do I sleep next to her knowing very well that she is lying, that she cheated on me and slept with another man. I love my wife very deeply but right now I am confused.
I walked out of the bathroom and found her sitting on the bed. Ever since I watched that video, I haven’t stopped thinking about it. All I hear are screams and moans, all I here is my wife’s voice. Inside my head, I am filled with so many thought and questions. I remove my towel, wanting to apply some lotion and I feel her hands on my waist. I know what she needs from me but should I even do it with her. What if what I do is no longer good enough, no it doesn’t satisfy her. What if she will imagine Jay while I am making love to her? I remove her hands and hand her the lotion. She takes the lotion and as she is applying it on my back, I don’t feel anything.
Her touch used to make me want to have sex with her, right at that moment but there was nothing down there. As she is kissing me on my back, I feel so irritated by it and immediately get up. I bet she is wondering why I am acting that way.
‘I am sorry, I am just tired,’ I lie to her.
‘I am the one who should apologize. It was a long journey and you need to rest,’ she sincerely said and walked out of the room.
Did she know how much I loved her? Or maybe she just took my love for granted. Staying in that same room was actually a torture for me and so I walked out of the room. I actually went to sleep in the guest room and although I was tired, I couldn’t even catch any eye shut. I don’t know if you have ever been in my kind of situation, I don’t know if you took things quietly and pretended like you didn’t find out about anything. I was trying to do that because I didn’t want Jay to win but I was failing too. I locked the door and sat on the bed going through our wedding pictures.
It hurt a lot and I was emotionally damaged by all of this, I wished it was a dream but noo Marisa did have sex with Jay. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I know men don’t cry but none of you would actually begin to understand what I was going through. I loved this woman with all of my heart and never in my life had I looked at another woman. I promised myself that till death do us apart, I will love Marisa but this just drains me.
‘Vusi!’ Marisa is knocking at the door while calling out my name.
‘Yeah,’ I respond while wiping off my tears.
‘Are you okay?’ she asks with a hint of worry in her voice.
I know she is worried about me, I know she loves me but I just can’t forget about this and pretend to move on when all I want is the truth coming out of her mouth but it seems that I wasn’t going to get anything from her.
‘I am okay.’
‘You locked the door. Vusi, what happened in Mozambique? You came back acting so different and I am worried about you.’
‘Making her worry was the last thing on my mind but why was she still keeping the truth. I thought maybe she was going to be honest with me. I thought maybe she was going to ask for my forgiveness or just something. Once she decided not to tell me the truth then things will completely change between us. I don’t know if I should keep on acting like a loving husband. I walked to the door and opened it.
‘Is there something that you would like to tell me?’ I ask her and I could easily see the sudden change on her facial expression.
‘Like what Vusi? What are you talking about?’
‘Did something happen when I was away?’
There was a moment of silence, obviously she was thinking of what to say to me. I laugh briefly, she aren’t going to be telling me no shit.
‘Stop lying to me Marisa!’ I yell shaking her.
‘Vusi, you are hurting me.’
‘You call this hurting?’ I ask after I have pushed her against the wall and I am holding her so tightly, ‘you call this hurting. You just lied to me Marisa.’
‘Vusi, what are you talking about? I will never lie to you.’
‘Marisa,’ I lift my hand to slap her but immediately put it down.
She is hurting me by denying.
‘You slept with Jay, Marisa. You had sex with him on my bed and in my house.’
‘Vusi, I am sorry.’
‘Marisa, you are sorry? You almost lied to me; no actually you lied to me Marisa.’
‘Vusi, it was a mistake. I was drunk and I don’t know what came over me. I am sorry.’
‘Are you sorry Marisa?!’ I shouted out loudly.
‘I am sorry babe,’ she said in a cry.
‘You couldn’t control yourself? Or you were already in love with him?’
‘Vusi, please don’t say that. You know I have only loved you and nobody else. I was drunk..’
‘And you had sex with him.’
This is the first time that I am shouting at my wife, I had never done that before and it hurt so badly. It hurt that she had to sleep with that imbecile. Now for the rest of my life, I have to be mocked by him. He is going to be calling me names; he is going to tell me that he has won. It could have been someone else but not him, not Jay. Did she even know what kind of person he was? Dear people, am I freaking out? Am I being a total freak? Am I being too hard on my wife? Should I just accept what she did as a mistake, should I just move on with her and pretend like nothing ever happened?
‘Do you want to know how I found out Marisa? I was worried about you just after I had finished my meeting, I decided to call. He answered your phone and showed me,’ I paused, ‘you were on the bed sleeping and after that he sent me a video of you two having sex.
Hands on her mouth.
‘You are surprised right? I was shocked and hurt when I heard you screaming out his name. Moaning Marisa. Marisa I have never made you feel that way. I have never made you scream that loud and now I am just thinking, am I really good enough for you.’
‘Baby, please don’t say that,’ she begged me.
‘Marisa I love you with all of my heart. Marisa I used to pray every day for God to just make a miracle, for I to be able to get you pregnant but what will happen if you fall pregnant Marisa. Obviously you didn’t use a condom. Did you?’
She looked down and I hit my fist on the wall making her scream.
‘You have hurt yourself,’ she said trying to touch my bleeding hand.
‘Don’t,’ I warned.
The physically pain was nothing; I wasn’t feeling any pain because I had been emotionally hurt and damaged. This is not what I had expected from her. I sat down on the floor with my hands on the head.
‘Babe,’ she called out and I had no power anymore.
I had no kind words to say to her because it hurts so deeply. I have never experienced such kind of pain before. I am hurting very deeply deeply inside my heart and I wish this wasn’t real. I wish this Jay guy wasn’t at all real. Now everyone has won, they didn’t want me to end up with Marisa. They said that I wasn’t good enough for her and so they have won. If Marisa gets pregnant then she has to become someone’s wife. Then what we shared together will be nothing and I have to let her go. I raised my head up high and there she was trying to calm me down but I was too emotionally hurt to hear her words. She wasn’t going to say something that will make me feel better. I didn’t want to hear any word coming out of her mouth. I stood up and walked to the door.
‘Where are you going?’ she asked with a hint of concern in her voice.
‘Somewhere far away from you,’ I said and opened the door.
She was calling out my name, apologizing and begging me not to go but I didn’t listen to her until I was out of the house. I never wanted to see or hear her cry but we were both hurting and I wasn’t in a romantic mood to comfort her. I got into my car and drove out of the yard. I don’t know where I was heading too but I just wanted to be alone, I wanted to think and forget about my wife cheating on me. I parked my car at a forestry place and got out of it. I had so much anger installed in me. Thank goodness I had left the house because I don’t know what I would have done to Marisa; I would have strangled her to death. This is how much I loved her; I was willing to killing anyone for her. I had given her my all and nothing had left to give her.
Remembering all of the good memories, the good times we shared together and our beautiful wedding that was honesty. I meant every word that I said to her. When I said that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I wasn’t at all lying to her but I was telling the truth. The promises and the vows we made to each other. A divorce is something that I never thought about because I had vowed to love Marisa until death do us apart. I honestly loved this woman and it wasn’t going to be easy for me to just give up on her. I started screaming out loud, just to ease the pain. Screaming so that the anger will evaporate or just something to make me feel better. When I was done, I went back inside the car. I wasn’t sleeping at home today. I decided to go and sleep at my other house. The new house that I had bought for my wife, for her birthday.
When I got there, I could hardly sleep, thinking about Marisa and she had been calling me nonstop. I know she was probably worried about me; she was crying and even regretting what she had done to me but I couldn’t bring myself to talk to her. I switched off my phone and got down on my knees. You must be wondering why I am doing that right. I know most of the people they drown their sorrows into alcohol but I was different. I know that once I drink the alcohol and wake up the next following morning, I will be feeling the same pain. The better way was for me to just talk to God, maybe he will be having the answers that I am currently looking for, so I did kneel down on the floor and started praying. I prayed for minutes and by the time I got up, I was just feeling better and decided to sleep.
I didn’t exactly fall into a deep sleep but at least I managed to get a short sleep and when I woke up I switched on my phone. I had a short bath and wore some nice clothes. Well I had kept some few clothes in my car. When I was done and had some breakfast, I left for home. My wife should have been worried about me and I wanted to see her. I drove home feeling really nervous. You know yesterday I must have been too hard on her and…..well I got home, got out of my car and saw my wife’s car at the garage. That simple means that she was around and hadn’t gone anywhere. I walked to the door and opened it. When I got inside the house, it was all quiet and there was no sign of Marisa.
I walked to our room and slowly opened the door. Marisa was sitting down on the floor in her pajamas. She looked up at me and her eyes were all puffy. I bet she had been crying all night. I walked to her and knelt in front of her. I took her hand and immediately embraced her into a tight hug.
‘I am sorry,’ she apologized while crying.
‘It’s okay,’ I responded patting her back.
I had missed her and even though this hurt a lot, I know that it was a mistake and she was drunk. I know I must have said some stuff, stuff like I wasn’t going to forgive her. This woman was my all and we had been through a lot together. I wasn’t just going to wash my hands and give up on our love. I wiped off her tears and made her get up.
‘Did you have something to eat?’ I asked concerned.
I was really concerned about her well-being.
‘I couldn’t eat alone, I couldn’t sleep alone and I just couldn’t do anything alone. I missed you very much Vusi. I had no idea where you went and you were not picking up my calls.’
‘I am sorry about that,’ I apologized to her.
‘You don’t have to apologies to me. I know that you were mad at me and I deserved that but I don’t want to lose you Vusi. I love you very much and I honestly can’t live without you, I am sorry Vusi that I messed up. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and do things differently but then it’s too late for that.’
‘It’s okay Marisa. I know what you did, it can’t be fixed but I can’t stay mad at you forever. I love you very much Marisa and I just want us to forget about what happened and move on with our lives.’
‘You want that?’
‘Yes, I want that. I will not lose you Marisa.’
Letting go of Marisa that simple means that I have allowed Jay to win and I couldn’t do that. Marisa and I love each other, I know what she did can never be forgiven but at least I have got to try right? I engulfed her into a tight hug.
‘Till death do us apart Marisa, till death do us apart.’
I know I am crazy, I know I shouldn’t have forgiven her but I love her and God would have wanted me to forgive her right? I will keep all the promises that I made to her, fulfil them and our vow