Tales of two funny ritualist Episode 8
I ran outside to brush my teeth when I heard.
“PAA PAA PAA”
Mallam Musa: today na today. Because I dey leave am por you ever since you think am say you fit win me ko?
Baba Ayo: taarh, before your mama born you self, me self don dey play this game since, ahh!
Mallam Musa: see am for this shanu o (cow). Walahi talahi na for arewa wey dem get am for this game fa.
Baba Ayo: ahh, kilode (wetin) na from osun wey dey originate draft oo, ah!
This thing vex me enh. Wait o. So this useless men go play draft from Monday till Sunday, morning till night.
They are very heartless. Na so them go leave their wives make dem dey hustle while them go dey play this rubbish game 24/7.
Me: In fact I don vex.
I said as I dropped my cup and rushed to where they were busy playing their draft.
Me: una good morning oo.
Baba Ayo: ahh Ideris…
Me: my name no be Ideris but Idris.
Mallam Musa: hahaha, the Idiot no fit pronounce am for Edris.
Me: kai, na which one be Edris again.
Me: abeg just forget about the name make we talk matter.
Mallam Musa: na por which matter you won make me talk?
He said focusing on the draft keenly.
Me: why una dey jobless and useless?
Baba Ayo: *looked back* come Ideris, ah, na who you dey talk to?
Me: una, the two of una.
Mallam Musa: you are very scoolfis!
Me: hahaha, na stupid you won take? Idiot.
Mallam Musa: toor, why you come here dey ask am for us rubbish question?
Me: today na thunder go fire the both of una.
Baba Ayo: mogbe!
Me: una go leave una wife dey suffer while una dey here they play this rubbish game. Children no go go school, why? Because no money, Why? Because papa no gree work. This one…..
I said pointing at Mallam Musa.
Me: your mate dey carry cow dey trek from lake chad to port Harcourt just to feed their family, wetin you dey here? This other Idiot,
I said pointing at baba ayo.
Me: him mate don go church since. Some don go look for daily bread. Others dey take care of their family. The ones wey be confirm babalawo dey progress everyday by day, wetin you dey here dey do?
Baba Ayo: ah, ah, ah, mogbe! This boy don see me finish.
Just then, Mama Ayo came out and continued from where I stopped while I hurriedly ran to my room to prepare for church as I was running late.
Mama Ayo: useless man, you see your life? Na small boy dey advice you. Wooooo, go look for job, you no go go. From January to December, Monday to Friday and morning to night, na paa, paa, paa, dey play draft anyhow, mtcheew!
She said and left.
Mallam Musa: kai walahi dem plan am o.
Baba Ayo: mtcheew, forget about them joor. I don kill you for this side o.
Mallam Musa: kai I no see am walahi, repeat am again.
Baba Ayo: ah mallam musa!!
We arrived early at church and as usuall, we sat the front sit. As we saw that people were not trooping inside, we kept our bible and moved to the back seat.
Just then, the ushers started doing their work. We scrutinized a lot of ynash or should I say ynashes, big and small, fat and lean, heavy and light.
After that, we walked back to our seat as the sermon was about to take place.
The sermon began and everything was going on really fine. Just then, the pastor shouted.
Pastor: give your neighbour a slap of victory.
I turned around and the person that was besides me was very huge and muscular. He was the person that attacked us last month, KILLER.
Me: flex, see killer oo.
I said whispering to him.
Donflex: na true. Time to revenge all the beating wey he give me o.
Flex: by giving him the slaps of victory.
Flex came close to the guy and
Me: na me go loose?
I joined my friend and we started giving him the slaps of victory.
Killer: my eyes oo!!
He shouted, the amazing thing was that he couldn’t revenge. No be church whereabout dey? Abi you expect am to revenge?
Pastor: ushers! Ushers!!!!!
He shouted and ushers started running in.
Pastor: stop them oo. Please the slaps of victory is enough o.
They all laughed as the ushers tried separating us. Soon enough, his face was red, very very red.
Me: chaiii, the slaps was sweet o.
Killer: *feeling embarrassed* he brought out a handkerchief and covered his face.
Flex: if we stay here this guy go kill us after service o.
Me: na true o. Make we better run for our dear life.
We stood up and zoomed off not minding the fact that people were just looking at us as if we were mad. Na dem sabi. As for me, I don avenge the beating wey dey give my friend.
Me: thank God o say we run commot for there o.
Flex: see wetin you dey talk? You be won stay their before? I dey craze? I dey mad.
Flex: why you shout?
Me: what if this guy come find us for house with him boys?
Flex: that is impossible.
Me: remember, the time wey dey beat us, people been they say na this guys wey dey live two streets from here.
Flex: na true o.
Me: I even remember say some people dey call our real name for them.
Flex: iyee, na true o. How we go do naw?
Me: I noone die, I better vacate this place.
Flex: you dey mad well well. We better vacate this place.
Without wasting time, we packed all our belongings into our travelling bags. Ate enough of food and took all our money.
Mallam Musa: I don chop am for this game pa.
Baba Ayo: a, Me self don chop your two games ni.
Mallam Musa: kai, wey this two yaro (boys) dey go pa?
Baba Ayo: e be like say, dem one travel o.
Flex: ah, we don dey commot for this una dirty compound wey fly and rats full everywhere. We dey go better place. This place too foolish for my liking.
Mallam Musa: tor, na for now you know say this place e too foolish ko?
Baba Ayo: hahaha, Landlord don give them quick notice o.
Me: tarh, landlord no fit. I swear he no fit.
Just then halima came out, she and Mallam Musa with baba Ayo where the only ones in the compound as they didn’t go to church.
Halima: ahh, where una dey go…
Me: at least I go answer better person, We dey travel commot for Niger state for now.
Halima: *sad face* why na?
Flex: haa, in look, sorry I mean in search for greener pastures na.
Halima: aya, I swear I go really miss una o.
She said and hugged us.
Halima: I dey come make I go bring something wey una go eat for road.
She said and bounced her heavy butty away.
Mallam Musa: I swear we must do sharia law for here?
Me n Flex: why?
Mallam Musa: so una dey hug am for anoda person wife ko,, pornication (fornication) of the highest other.
Me n Flex: na thunder and lightning go fire you, in fact, go blast you.
Me: you think say here na…
Oga landlord immediately came out from his room with a smile on his face.
Landlord: wey una dey go?
Me: erm, we want go village?
Landlord: ok, wey my money dey?
Flex: which money, we collect any of your money.
Landlord: thunder fire una, my house rent.
Me: for which house? This uncomplited shop na im you dey call house.
Flex: idris you too good self, this scatter scatter carton, this unfinished pit toilet na im you dey call house?
Landlord: una papa get am? Una fit build am.
Me and flex: TAAARHHH!!!!!!
We spat out… Baba Ayo and Mallam Musa were busy laughing.
Me: he better make I dey live for mango tree than to stay here.
Flex: he better make I dey stay with pigs than to live here.
Landlord: but no be here una dey live since.
Me: thunder fire you!!!
Flex: we just dey pity you dey stay here or else we for don go since.
Landlord: ok, make I go call police. Una go hear am today.
Me: if you know say you be oga landlord, cross that pure water leather over there.
Flex. Whether we no go commit murder
Me: and father! Just cross that line.
Flex: In fact go call the police if your mama born you for hospital.
He said and dashed away.
What happened next?