Tales of two funny ritualist
We sat down at our begging spot with our suit shining under the sun and rags tied to our eyes.
Now i know you would be thinking that do beggars dressed in suit just to beg?
Truth is, we normally wear rags anytime we are running our business but yesterday which was Sunday, everything changed that Sunday.
FLASH BACK TO SUNDAY
We went to church as usuall dressed in a cool outfit. When we entered inside, we sat down in front sit, that’s our usuall sit so that the pastor would mark and know our face.
Flex: chaiii, Idris today service go tough o.
Me: i think, our sit no dey allow us to access clean clean babes oo..
Flex: na true o.
Me: abeg make we go sitdown for back sit.
Flex: but if we go back seat another person go take our chair.
Me: just put your bible make we go back go sit down.
We dropped our bible on the two plastic chairs indicating to others that those seat has been taken.
We strolled to the back seat and sat down.
Me: omo, see ynash na!!
I shouted with mouth agape.
Flex: i don die today oo. Fear yoruba girls oo. Chaiii, na ukwu be this?
Just then, one devil dressed in white cloth and black skirt came out and blocked our view.
Me: this girl dey craze oo..
I insulted the girl that came out from nowhere blocking our view. The two girls were ushers and it seems as if they are trying to arrange the sits.
That’s why i love coming to church very early. Most of our ushers are girls, girls were get big big ynash. That’s the main reason why i say i go marry for church. Make i just save enough money through our business first. so what we normally do every Sunday morning is to sit down and watch free HD live movie.
Well if na sin we dey sin make God forgive us.
Me: which kind rubbish be this?
Flex: na thunder go fire her self. See her ynash like mango were monkey don chop into two.
Me: see her head abeg, like something wey rat don dance ajasco ontop.
Flex: and she no want shift oo. Infact i don vex.
Donflex stood up and shouted.
Flex: heys, heys!
The girl turned back. But her face fine oo.. The thing be say her body too straight abeg.
Girl: erm can i help you sir?
Flex: pastor is outside, he said i should call you.
Girl: okay, thank you very much.
She said and ran out.
Me: Donflex the one and only badest guy.
I said as i playfully shook hands with Donflex.
Me: you no dey fear oo. See as you just sample her throw way.
Flex: she dey craze na. Why she go just dey block our view anyhow. She no dey fear?
Me: abeg make we continue dey watch our ynash.
Flex: na who be our?
Me: the ynash wey we do watch na. No be us dey watch the ynash since.
Flex: you dey mad! Ynash where na me first see na him you don dey claim sharp sharp. Thunder fire you.
I bent down quickly.
Me: i dodge am. So na just to share this ynash with me na im you don dey shout?
Flex: share wetin with you?
Me: the ynash.
Flex: all the ynash where you dey book you don ever share am with me?
Me: no be so na. Make we just share this..
Flex: *shouting* leave me joor, we no dey, sorry, i no dey share this ynash with you…
The girl walked to us.
Girl: na which ynash una dey share for inside church?
Girl: Na which person ynash una dey busy dey share so?
She asked us.
Chaiii, see as fear gripped us. The girl fine enh. See bobby full everywhere. If we lie, the bobby fit slap us. Her height maself na one in town.
Thank God say dem be only two ushers wey dey inside the church and Donflex don pursue one o. Supposing them be two now, no be disgrace we don disgrace ourselves.
We were just looking at the girl like morons. We couldn’t say anything
Girl: na which person ynash una dey busy dey share?
She asked again.
Me: no vex aunty, na him mama ynash we dey share since?
I said pointing my hand towards Donflex.
Flex: my Mama?
Me: no be your real mama na, na mama iyabo for compound na. The one wey dey always call you my son.
I lied expertly.
Flex: *smiling, he has gotten the hint* aunty na true, na my mama ynash we dey busy share.
Girl: so na church wey be the right place to share am.
Me: *na wetin dey worry this idiot girl na, she no get let human being rest again?*
Girl: i dey ask una!
Girl: na inside church be the right place to share am?
Flex: hey, hey, hey!!!
He shouted, that’s why i like Donflex. He no dey take bullshit at all.
Flex: if we share the ynash here how he take concern you?
Flex: na your mama ynash we dey share?
Me: can you imagine children of nowadays, they don spoil finish.
Flex: just wait Idris. *facing the girl* na your mama ynash we share?
Girl: you dey craze, the two of you dey craze.
Flex: na your mama and papa dey craze. Can you imagine? How wetin we dey talk take concern you?
Me: wetin dey worry you self. You don mad before?
Flex: you smoke dry weed this morning. If to say you no get big ynash now i for tear you slap.
Girl: hahaha, na dat one you no fit. Your mama no born you well to try am.
Me: you are very stupid. Infact you be field marshal in the field of stupidity. If we carry this case go court you go win?
Girl: why not?
Flex: if them ask you say wether we mention your name for here, wetin you go reply them?
Me: you are very stupid.
Girl: i dey go tell pastor for una.
I removed one hundred naira from my pocket and Donflex did same.
Me: take this two hundred naira for transport abeg.
Girl: iyeee!! Na me una dey do like this abi?
She stormed out angrily why we walked to where our seat was, the front roll.
Me: chaiii, children of nowadays.
Flex: the girl dey mad. Na just useless mouth she dey make, she no fit tell pastor for us.
Me: wetin she won even tell pastor self? Say we dey share ynash.
Me: thunder fire your laugh. Hahahahahahaha.
I said and laughed.
Flex: you dey craze, why you dey laugh now.
Me: na your useless laugh na im make my laugh to dey laugh now.
Like say na witch, we turn the same time and iyeee! The girl dey come with pastor oo..
what happened next?
Find out in the next exciting and thrilling episode of TALES OF TWO FUNNY RITUALIST.