I just adjust carry my p—k come near her mouth.
She dey ru-b am small, svçkam small. I tell her
say make she do continuous su-cking. As she su-ck
am, she dey ru-b my ba-lls. She be pro for su-cking.
Small time I tell her lie down face back, her big
nyash just gentle for be-d.
I kon put my Hand un-der the foam to get
cond’om na that time I realize say no be my
house be this. no con’dom dey un-der be-d!. I
carry phone call egar, him tell me say him
con’doms dey inside him box and him. lock am
carry the key comot go CDS visit.
Next thing I know, chinwe phone begin ring. Na
her uncle dey call her dey shout say make she
begin come house immediately.
She come explain to me say na market them s£nd
her but she kon decide to br@nch come visit me.
Omoh, the place wey I fit buy con’dom far from
egar house and she nee-d to begin go sharpaly.
I nearly cry. See nyash wey I Don dey fantasize
as e go dey shake when I Bleep am from back.
She see my face, begin laff. I no even smile, my
p—k dey vex.
She come carry my p—k, svçkam well well with
special skills, as she dey su-ck, I carry my full
hands dey ru-b and squee-ze her fat nyash. Small
time I re-lease inside her mouth. She go bathroom
go spit, rinse her mouth with water and wash her
hand with soap.
She dress kon spray her perfume like say nothing
happen. I always dey fear naija babes oh. As she
dey comot, I give her transport, she refuse kon
say she no be ashi.
As I dey see her off, egar dey return. Me and am
Him tell me:
“Bad Guy. I know say you Don collect”
“Abeg free me! How you go lock con’dom inside
Him come explain say corpers too dey Borrow am
na why him dey hide am.
My regret be say i no Bleep chinwe till my service
finish. Me and her been still remain friends but
she been wan tie me down and I bin get plenty
girls wey I suppose “S-xvice” so I free her.
She still dey call me till d@t£, I dey promise to
visit her anytime I come east.
I nickname Her
vampire cuz she scratch my n£¢k kon wound me
due to extasy from my magic ton-gue.
Inspite of all the girls I had, I was still
respected in school by students and fellow staff
because I was a very gentle (bad) guy. Extremely
quiet. The principal took me like her own son, the
girls took me like their husband and most
importantly, Mrs venny took me like her best
Later on, I got to meet Mrs venny’s kids and
husband… what a family… perfect. One day,
the principal called me and told me that she has
been hearing some rumors about me chasing her
girls but that she didn’t believe it though.
I told her that Girls would always gossip.
My name was cleared. I began to experience what
it feels like to be like tuface and d’banj cuz
these girls would scream, ban-g their desk, hvg me
allover whenever I c@m£ to clas-s and virtually
everyone of them was willing to Bleep me. Life
was feeling surreal to me.
I loved that life, but hey, I still was anxious to
round up my service so I could go get a good job.
But I had problems too: some of the girls I
S-xviced would always get mad whenever they saw
me with a different girl.
Also, I still had to be dodging the ones who
wanted re-S-xvicing cuz I had more girls whom I
nee-ded to S-xvice.
For these reasons, I decided to take a break from
the school scene and hit on a few outsiders.
*one weekend morning*
I woke up, did my house chores, cooked, pla-yed
music, pla-yed my ps2 for a while then sle-pt.
Woke up in the evening. No girls would be visiting
I was on break, or so I thought.
Around 5pm I decided to check on David, my
namesake and friend who stayed in the same
compound with me. His girlfriend uju always
stayed with him on weekends. I knocked at his
door, a female responded which I expected to be
She said “yes, come in”.
I walked in and saw a cute girl who was preparing
spices for soup. D–n! She was fine as hell, and
thick too. This had to be uju’s best friend whom
she always talked about. We greeted and I sat
[Abeg make I switch to pidgin small, English too ha-rd ]
I ask her about my Guy, She kon tell me say my
Guy and uju go rent film for video club. I ask am
we-tin be her name, she say her name na sandra.
Omoh, Sandra wear loose go-wn but her nyash still
shoot out. This girl get sweet voice… na one of
the reasons I dey always like to hear her talk.
We chatted for a while, and we got to know a
few things about ourselves (she even attended the
secondary school I was serving at). Then she
excused herself to go and keep the soup spices she
was mixing in the kitchen.
God of Moses! Her as$ was fat with nice narrow
h!ps. D–n! She’s the one. Meanwhile she kept
ma-king calls to some Guy yelling at him that he
wants to dump her and she wouldn’t let that
I was surprised to discover that such a cute and
collected girl could nag. Truth be told, it
knocked it off balance a little.When I asked
what the problem was, she would say it’s
personal. I felt demoralized and said to myself
“you’ve lost it. She’s hooked and wild”. But
then again, I still kept my f!ngerscrossed.
Who knows? You can never say when it comes to
girls. They are a complicated and complex kind of
beings. Sometimes, i doubt if God himself
We continued to chat but, it Wasn’t lively as
before the phone calls and nagging. She told me
her that I sounded like a pla-yer. My Guy and his
girlfriend c@m£ back around 30 minutes later, and
we all talked about her heartbreak and cheating
b©yfri£nd, relationsh!ps and all that bullsh’it.
All the while, I didn’t really contribute cuz
relationsh!ps and love was not my thing.
Moreover, I was kind of a heartbreaker myself.
Always trying to Bleep… that’s all, no love.
That’s how much gangster music had influenced
me. But sometimes I do wonder what it’s like to
Sandra was still depressed and sad and it was
killing our spirit. Later, my Guy called me out
and suggested that we all go and hang out
somewhere. He said I should woo Sandra, that it
will be clas-sic. Four best friends.
It was almost 7pm, so we decided to go and hang
out at the bar of a popular h0tel around…. it
was time for Sandra to stand up… you guessed
right … I stole a glance at her a$$….
We all left the house and started walking down
to the h0tel. We walked in twos: I and my Guy,
uju and Sandra. While we walked, I kept telling
my Guy my intention of fu’cking Sandra if she
would agree to spend the night with us.
We got to the bar, sat at a table for four and
called the waiter. We ordered for beer but to my
greatest surprise, Sandra ordered for a red label
wine!. There and then, I concluded that I would
not have anything to do with Sandra after this
night. I don’t care if you’re Mona Lisa, but I
would never be with a girl that b!ows my money
Luckily the waiter c@m£ back and said they’d run
out of wines. Only beer. Phew!! Thank you,
We sat, drinking, my Guy and uju were really
getting along, being ro-mantic and all that but I
and Sandra weren’t really doing well. Just chat
and st©p, every now and then. She was depressed
and now getting ti-psy, there wasn’t much that I
could do to cheer her up.
She kept calling her ex on the phone, cursing and
nagging. Hell, I got problems of my own too.
I was drinking in silence, thinking about my life
and how much I loved my mum. My family… I’d
die for them.
Sometimes, Sandra would stare at me. Her fada
nyash!. I wondered what she was thinking.
Really pretty girl. no doubt.
It was almost 8:30 pm and we decided to leave. I
and my Guy split the bill. Sandra said she wanted
to go home. Jizos!, na so my money take
Uju called Sandra aside and begged her to spend
the night with us. She told her that she was too
high and looked too ti-psy to go home and that it
was alre-ady getting too late (around 9pm). After
a little contemplation, Sandra decided to spend
We all got to my Guy’s room, ate some spaghetti
and began to watch some Fu”cked up home video.
Sandra just l@yon the be-d, not speaking. My Guy
and uju went outside to give us some privacy… I
nee-ded to talk her into spending the night in my
Still no response.
“You should come and join me in my room. I nee-d
someone to talk to and keep me company”
Still no response.
“st©p acting up. If you don’t like me, say so. I’d
“Its not that I don’t like you but I’m not in a
good mood. I nee-d time to heal.”
My di”ck says no time bit”ch!
“I could heal you”
My peoplez, Una know the kind healing I mean
She vex look me.
“If that’s what you want, you’re wasting your
time. I’m not coming to your room”
My heart sank. Omoh, my #1,500 wey I spend
Don go?. Jizos! I Don fall my hand.
I placed my palm in hers. There’s a magical thing
about holding hands with a girl. Told her a few
tou-ching stuff about how I didn’t mean se”x and
that she was really a nice girl.
I then said:
“It’s ok. We shouldn’t quarrel over nothing. I
meant everything I’ve told you. Take care. Good
She no even answer me at all. Her eyes were
closed like she was slee-ping But I knew she heard
all I said and that it got to her.
I stood up and went to my room. Put on my CD
and starting pla-ying nas’s 2002 albu-m (God son).
With the Highness from the beer and ra-p music in
my ears, I drifted to another realm. Momentarily,
I forgot about the evening: Sandra, the #1,500
I just wasted (my biggest regret) . Lol.
I think I was alre-ady half asleep in my room, just
me and music…. h!p-hop was consoling my
soul…. then I heard a knock on my door.
Looked at the time on my phone: 11:15 pm. What
I stood and went to open the door ….
To be continued
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