Tales of two funny ritualist
Continues from the last episode
Dencygirl: Jesus Christ!! Jummybabe, soma and victoriouschild. Make una pray make Idris wake up oo, or this compound no go contain us.
Victoriouschild: abeg dencygirl no vex. We no know say..
Dencygirl: *crying* you no know we-tin, abeg no tell me that nons-en-se. Flex b!ow more breeze abeg.
Donflex: my hands dey pain me o. Abeg make una go fetch more water.
Victoriouschild: I go go fetch am.
Jummybabe: oh God, protect Idris for us.
Soma: chaii, my conscience no go make me rest oo. God plea-se.
Victoriouschild: see the water here.
Me: *coughs* *coughs*
Dencygirl: *excitedly* he dey alive oo. Thank God.
I regained myself but the images I saw was blur. For a minute or two, I thought I was dead.
Me: I don die.
Dencygirl: God forbid. Abeg no mind them victoriouschild but thank God say you survive.
She said and hvgged me ti-ghtly. Maybe a hvg from the most pretty damsel in planet earth is all I nee-d to refresh my b©dy and heal all broken bones.
Victoriouschild: Idris no vex abeg. I know say we-tin you do dey terrible but we too for no beat you like that.
Jummybabe: sorry you hear. No mind me, I been dey vex that time so I come transfer everything to you.
Soma: sorry too. I for separate but I come fall hands too.
Me: alright. I have forgiven you guys.
They stayed around with me for a little while before leaving to their various houses, all except dencygirl who stayed behind.
Dencygirl: how you dey feel now?
Me: I dey better.
Dencygirl: aya. No mind those girls abeg. Erm, I cook rice oo. Una go eat.
Flex: yes, we go eat.
Dencygirl: ok, I dey come.
She said and went out.
Me: you dey craze?
Flex: we-tin you mean?
Me: look as you just accept the food sharp sharp. You know even think?
Flex: forget that thing abeg. Man dey hungry well well. But wait oo, we-tin you do this girl?
Me: we-tin you mean?
Flex: see the way she like you well well, I mean love. we-tin you do her abeg, tell me make I do jummybabe, soma or even victoriouschild.
Me: na now I know say you dey mad. You see the way those girls brutalise me with the seven laws, twelve commandments and the twenty seven rules of karate and you still want [email protected]£ them.
Flex: forget that thing. Meet too receive training for Japanese, Chinese and Rome, I fit defend myself.
Me: hahahaha. your [email protected] still dey amateur level. I no fit laugh abeg.
Just then, dencygirl [email protected]£ in with a tray containing two plates of rice garnished with fish stew. D–n, the delicious aroma could wake up the dead. So this angel is good at cooking.
She gave one plate to flex and trust my guy, I was surprised when donflex brou-ght out a big spoon (that spoon you use to turn stew or soup) from his pocket and began to attack the food as if there is no tomorrow.
Me and dencygirl just laughed at him. Dencygirl took a spoon from the tray and turned the stew, then she started feeding me as if I am a little child. Wow, the food taste so delicious and the fact that dencygirl was the one feeding me made it more delicious. I truly love this girl and I pray she feels the same for me.
TWO WEEKS LATER
The D-day has finally arrived. The day we will pu-ll out our ebola stunt and receive cash in return. We made sure everything is prepared before going out but a birthday song made us st©p.
We went outside to check and wow, the coolvalers were singing a birthday song to jummybabe. She is [email protected] her birthday.
Without wasting time, we took our seat and joined in singing the song for her while our eyes scan for food. Too our greatest joy, food, drinks and cakes were shared and we ate enough to reenergise us for the task ahead.
Then dancing followed. The dj was good as he gave us jamz upon jamz and soon enough, we were all dancing. Each guy finding a female [email protected] to dance with.
The birthday was so nice and matured. Few guys like oga val stood by while the rest of us were dancing. The [email protected] jummybabe was a great dancer. Froshberry and talent scout were killing it but konami, Jesus Christ.
Konami was killing the word “DANCE” in a brutal way that made me laugh. He was dancing “AJASCO”, “MAKOSSA” and every “GOD FORBID DANCE” you can ever think of. For some reason, I remember how an earthworm reacts when placed upon salt.
At the end of the competition, me and flex were crowned best male dancers (thanks to the numerous practice sections we have in Niger state). Dencygirl and the [email protected] Jummybabe were crowned best female dancers too.
The [email protected] was a success. When the [email protected] ended, me and flex were re-ady to embark on our mission when dencygirl drew me to a corner with a serious look in her eyes.
Dencygirl: we nee-d to talk.
Dencygirl: idris we nee-d to talk o.
Me: ha, talk about we-tin again?
Dencygirl: I dream one bad dream about you.
Me: enh, so na dream wey make you dey worried like this?
Dencygirl: wait na, you never even hear the dream you don dey talk.
Flex: (shouting) na we-tin una still dey talk about?
Me: cool down, I dey come.
Dencygirl: abeg Idris no go anywhere today. I just get this bad feelings say something bad go happen to una, I take God beg una make una stay for house.
Flex: (eavesdropping) hahahaha, girls and their funny superstition.
Me: I tire o. Abeg anything fit happen to us?
Flex: for where? We strong gidiba like lion.
Me: thank you, help me tell her o.
Flex: babe, no fear nothing go happen to us.
Dencygirl: you don’t know anything about my dreams that’s why. As I dey like this so, my dreams dey come true o in case you no know.
Me: common babe. We no be small pikin na, at least we know our right from left and we fit stay away from troubles.
Dencygirl: you sure? I no want make anything happen to una o, especially you Idris.
Me: no fear, we are safe.
Dencygirl; OK but were una won go.
Me: erm.. ermmm
Flex: we want go strike deal with one of our client.
Dencygirl: and who that client be?
Me: haba, I swear to God I no like this kind thing at all. We say na one of our client and here you are, bombarding us with questions.
Flex: na we-tin wrong you self? You be our mother?
Me: I no know oo.
The statement I and flex made By to her so de-ep that tears gathered in her eyes.
Dencygirl: no vex, make una dey go.
She said and turned back. It was only then I realised my mistake and foolishness. I shouldn’t have insulted her, d–n it.
Before I could hold her to apologize, she had alre-ady started running away from me. I decided to chase after her but then I was caught by surprise as she had quic-kly entered her room and locked her door.
I felt a pang of guilt pinched throu-gh my heart. I shouldn’t have told her so such abusive words.
In one way or the other, I must make it up to her. My sweet and beautiful dencygirl but now I have got some business to do.
we got to the de-sired place to execute our evil plan. As we located a deserted place, we made sure that nob©dy was looking us before we entered there.
Using the powder, I sprayed it on flex’s b©dy and I disguised him to look as if he was really sick.
Then running away from the corner, I shouted.
Me: Ebola!!!!!!! Ebola patient make una run ooo.
To my greatest surprise, the traders there didn’t run.
Guy: those people no be real Ebola patients!!!
Guy 2: na scam.
Guy 3: no allow them escape.
Before we knew it, we were the one that was running for our dear lives.
We tried to escape but couldn’t as we were surrounded by the angry mob. They threw punches, b!ows and stro-ke us with different weapons they could find.
Blood gushed out of our nose and mouths and the powder on flex’s b©dy has cleaned off to prove he wasn’t an Ebola patient.
The next thing they did was to bring tyres and fuel.
Tales of two funny ritualist episode 14
Tales of two funny ritualist